The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth

When I started this blog I promised myself I would be completely honest and open. Not only with myself but with anyone who bothered to read this blog. Well, one of my faithful readers who secretly emails me daily with food logs, goals, struggles and anything else she feels like expressing, has brought something to my attention after reading todays blog. She related deeply to what I said in regards to "celebrating" too soon and then starting over from square one. She brought up some very interested and true reasons for self-sabatoging.
1. I am actually scared of success? I have this thought that if I succeed then people will expect things from me and the pressure/attention from that is SO not what I want.
2. I am scared to imagine what life will be like if I really did conquer this weight issue. What would I then have to obsess over? What would be my goal? What's at the top of this mountain for me?
Both of these questions are so profound and so right on point. They are both questions that deal with but there is one more question that I hold in a deep dark place. That questin is, what if I get attacked again? Freshman year in college I became the victom of what so many other young women have unfortunatley had to deal with. After graduating from highschool I lost about 20 pounds and was ready for my college experience. In Decemeber of 2001 I fell to the mercy of a sexual preditor. After this horrible experience I quickly gained 40 pounds, began drinking socially until I would black out, and worst of all became permiuscuous. Damaging my body in every way I cuold to hide the pain. I didn't care and I didn't want to think about it. Two years into college I finally reached out for some help at a free counseling clinic where I was counseld for 6 weeks. Each session would begin by me repeating for an entire minute "I was raped. I was raped." I hated saying it. It would infuriate me, in fact. I wanted to go back and pretend nothing had ever happened and just move on. Many times, I just wanted to die. It was the hardest time of my life. Who would ever love me after what my body had been through? That is a thought I dealt with on a daily basis only leading myself to self-destruct even more.