Answered Prayer

Waking up feeling energized is the best feeling ever. I am enjoying my husband and my son. I am not in la la land distracted and missing the moment. I am present. I am enjoying my life. In bible study this morning I was overwhelmed with joy. It just dawned on me all of a sudden how much God loved me. Maybe because we were in a chapter that primarily focused on His love for us as His children. He really is in to details though! I have been praying, "Lord please help me lose weight" for over 20years! He has finally answered this prayer. The crazy thing is however, that during that 20 year journey of being chubby and frustrated, He was growing me. I wasn't ready to experience freedom in the area of eating yet. He needed to refine me and teach me a lot more about being dependent on Him and finding joy in all circumstances. He is blessing my diligence and my prayers. Thank you God.

Like a Glove

The picture above is me 6 years ago at a Mardi Gras ball. Not the typical debutant, but I sure did know how to have a good time! That dress hasn't seen the light of day since that night...

It never gets easy. It is a constant do this and do that! Make sure to remember to eat this and don't eat that. You better do that before you do that! Remembering to eat every 2 hours is not as easy as you would think. My grocery bill has shot out the roof. Grocery shopping seems to be my new activity. I am always making a list of things we need and I am always shocked to see the food going so fast. The cost and the constant eating really is worth it. I don't binge eat anymore and I am feeling so healthy and energized. I have lost 23 pounds in 4 months. The most exciting thing is that I have kept it off.

Did anyone notice how much Kim K was eating during those 8 weeks of marriage. I literally felt her pain. I almost wanted to eat with her because I could feel her misery. Each episode for those eight weeks she kept getting bigger and bigger. I felt so bad for her. That is what happens when we don't deal with our issues and we suppress our pain with food. It made me feel good to know that I was not the only one who did that but even more that I stopped doing that all together. I am sure it has been hard on my family and friends because I have never been more of an open book. I basically say everything I am feeling. I cry a lot, I vent a lot, I laugh a lot, and I MOVE a lot. I am constantly doing new and adventurous activities and finally living life. I am waking up with a smile and ready to conquer the day. No regrets anymore. No wishing I had done this or putting off saying that. No more waking up with anxiety putting off having to deal with another unresolved issue. This, my friend is called living life.

Next week is Mardi Gras and I can't afford new clothes. I have accumulated beautiful clothes over the last 10 years from going to college, making my debut and getting married. These clothes have not seen the light of day in SEVEN years and could really use a drink.

I got them all out yesterday of the dark coat closet in the hallway. I have been ignoring them for years knowing that I probably would never wear them again. I took a deep breath, pulled on my girdle and had Mike fasten my long line bra (you know the corset long strapless moulon rouge type bra??) The last time that thing had been worn was on my wedding day.

Standing there all squeezed in tight, I glanced behind me to check myself out in the mirror. "Hmmmm", I thought.

I picked up my couture green silk one shoulder dress that has ZERO spandex in it and can only work if it truly slides on like a glove. As I zipped up the side I turned and face the mirror. It was perfect. I could not believe my eyes. The last, and only, time I had ever worn this emerald masterpiece was 7 years ago to a debutant party for my dear friend Lee Smith, God rest her soul.

Everything after that fit, fit and fit again! It was so much fun and so much better than shopping for new things. I have 30 pounds to go before I reach my final goal and I am ready to really jump back into this. I have been maintaining and doing great but I am now ready to keep on trucking and really finish this. I will post pics of me in the green dress after I wear it next week.

I am going to try to blog a little bit every day. I'm sick of these huge breaks! I will do better. I think it will really help me to be more consistent with my blogs.

Thank YOU

I am blown away to see that over 200 people read my blog today. I can't believe this. I appreciate all the support and love. I can definitley feel the love right now. I am feeling so empowered and excited. I felt so alone and sad for myself before this moment. I have Christ who gives me strenth and life and He has blessed me with an army of supporters. I know I can do this! Just so we are keeping it real, I have to admit that I binge ate today. Not just once but THREE times. I was so scared of what I had written and I was just waiting for someone to email me something hateful but that never happened. Instead I was loved and comforted. Thank you to my mom especially who comforted me dearly once she read my blog. She didn't see the pain in my until she read it. I hate talking out my issues becuase I feel like I am complaining and complaining may just be my biggest pet peave. Anyways, I am feeling so strong and like a hot warrior princess in an animal skin mini-skirt so WATCH OUT! RARRRRRRRRR!

Winter Blues

Wow. I can not believe it has been 6 weeks since my last blog entry! And now for all my excuses: December was so jam packed with parties, cleaning, wrapping and hosting that I litterally have just now caught my breath. The real truth of the matter, if I'm going to really dig deep and not be in denile, is that I have been hurting. Poor lil' ole me. I hate feeling sorry for myself but sometimes I just can't help it. I am hurting and I am a deep thinker. I ponder over things for hours. I am a true "obsessor". I can't tell if drama follows me or if I like the drama. I hate it once it is happening, that's for damn sure. So why all the bad decisions? I find myself hearing thoughts like, "You are just a really bad friend and you bring this upon yourself." I will always blame myself so much faster than anyone else could ever blame me. Sometimes I take the balme before there is even a problem and that results in an even bigger problem. I want to move away. I really feel like I'd be better off on a deserted island where I can't hurt people...or myself. The people I love so dearly have been so scared by me. They have either cut me out completley, they walk on MAJOR egg shells around me, or they haven't been around me enough for me to screw up and so they think I am totally awesome. Everyone loves me until they experience the daggar of pain that sheds blood all over the place. This daggar of mine is my tongue. To know this lack of self-control is in me, my breaks my heart. I want to make better decisions and be QUIET. I want to stop hurting my sisters, my husband, my mom, my dad and my friends. I can not run away like I've tried so often in the past. I am not at liberty to be selfish any longer because I have a precious baby boy now. I must stay grounded, get thicker skin, press on, and rejoice under all circumstances like the Father commands me to do. I must stop being a people- pleaser and breath in and out. I must learn to be calm and quiet in a group setting. I must practice loving others right where they are. The pain of all this and the stress of the holidays resulted in a 4 pound weight gain. I am 205 lbs today. I will try to love myself and speak kind words in my head. I must stop insulting Carter's mother and Mike's wife. I must show her some respect. It is time for me to embrace the pressures of the world and to stop dwelling on each tiny little bee sting that comes my way. I am pumped and ready to drop the next 20 pounds. With Spring (aka bathing suit season) around the corner the timing could not be more perfect!
Lord, please help me stay strong and reach this goal. To you be ALL the glory!