If I stay fat, no one will hurt me.

When I started this blog I promised myself I would be completely honest and open. Not only with myself but with anyone who bothered to read what I had to say. Well, one of my faithful readers who emails me daily with food logs, goals, struggles and anything else she feels like expressing has brought something to my attention after reading yesterday’s blog. She related deeply to what I said in regards to “celebrating” too soon and then having to start all over again from square one. She brought up some very interesting and true reasons for self-sabotaging. First, she said, “I am actually scared of success. I have this thought that if I succeed then people will expect things from me and the pressure/attention from that is SO not what I want.” She followed with, “I am scared to imagine what life will be like if I really do conquer this weight issue. What would I then have to obsess over? What would be my goal? What's at the top of this mountain for me?” These thoughts are so profound and so right on point. There is one more question that I hold in a deep dark place. That question is what if I get attacked again? Freshman year in college I became the victim of what so many other women out there all become the victim of. After graduating from high school, I lost about 20 pounds and was ready for my college experience. In December of 2001 I fell to the mercy of a sexual predator. After this horrible experience I quickly gained 40 pounds, began drinking socially until I would black out, and worst of all became promiscuous. Damaging my body in every way I could to hide the pain. I didn't care and I didn't want to think about it. Two years into college I finally reached out for some help at a free counseling clinic where I was counseled for 6 weeks. Each session would begin by me repeating for an entire minute "I was raped. I was raped. I was raped" I hated saying it. It would infuriate me, in fact. I wanted to go back and pretend nothing had ever happened and just move on. Many times, I just wanted to die. It was the hardest time of my life. Who could ever love me after what my body had been through? That is a thought I dealt with on a daily basis only leading myself to self-destruct even more. After convincing myself that I was unworthy of any man, I decided to move as far away as I could and join a ministry. I landed an internship with New Life Ministries in Laguna Beach, CA. My job was actually to develop a nationwide small group program based on the weight loss book by Stephen Arterburn, Lose it for Life. Ironic, isn’t it? It was there that I met the most amazing man. He actually showed me in the bible how God has made us NEW. We have a new heart and are actually able to walk guilt free no matter what we have done because we have been saved by Jesus Christ dying on the Cross. Because God gave his only son to do this for us, we can now be FREE from the law. We can live out His mercy and grace in our everyday life. It was then that I experienced true freedom. My relationship with the Lord began to grow and so did my relationship with Mike. Mike loved me. ..scars and all. He understood that I was a new creation and the things my flesh had been through did not define me in his eyes or in God’s eyes. I was forgiven. What a miracle! So, as hard as this testimony is to tell, I take comfort in knowing that I am not my own, but I belong to the Father because I was bought by the blood of Jesus. I was not expecting to EVER share my testimony like this. I have shared it with probably 10 close friends and family over a period of TEN YEARS so you can imagine how difficult this is for me. It is my duty however, to be obedient to what I am called to do. I know that I will be blessed and that hopefully someone else will be blessed by reading this.
Also, in order for me to get well and conquer this problem of abusing myself through food, I must be honest with myself. I also find it freeing and such a “weight” is being lifted as I write to get this huge dark secret off my chest.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. “- 2 Corinthians 5:17-21
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth

When I started this blog I promised myself I would be completely honest and open. Not only with myself but with anyone who bothered to read this blog. Well, one of my faithful readers who secretly emails me daily with food logs, goals, struggles and anything else she feels like expressing, has brought something to my attention after reading todays blog. She related deeply to what I said in regards to "celebrating" too soon and then starting over from square one. She brought up some very interested and true reasons for self-sabatoging.
1. I am actually scared of success? I have this thought that if I succeed then people will expect things from me and the pressure/attention from that is SO not what I want.
2. I am scared to imagine what life will be like if I really did conquer this weight issue. What would I then have to obsess over? What would be my goal? What's at the top of this mountain for me?
Both of these questions are so profound and so right on point. They are both questions that deal with but there is one more question that I hold in a deep dark place. That questin is, what if I get attacked again? Freshman year in college I became the victom of what so many other young women have unfortunatley had to deal with. After graduating from highschool I lost about 20 pounds and was ready for my college experience. In Decemeber of 2001 I fell to the mercy of a sexual preditor. After this horrible experience I quickly gained 40 pounds, began drinking socially until I would black out, and worst of all became permiuscuous. Damaging my body in every way I cuold to hide the pain. I didn't care and I didn't want to think about it. Two years into college I finally reached out for some help at a free counseling clinic where I was counseld for 6 weeks. Each session would begin by me repeating for an entire minute "I was raped. I was raped." I hated saying it. It would infuriate me, in fact. I wanted to go back and pretend nothing had ever happened and just move on. Many times, I just wanted to die. It was the hardest time of my life. Who would ever love me after what my body had been through? That is a thought I dealt with on a daily basis only leading myself to self-destruct even more.

Celebration Fraud!

OK, so I have had a few random people the past couple of days tell me that I looked good. These few people have never seen the blog or heard anything about my workout and eating plan. I was so encouraged by this that I actually thought I could start celebrating! I not only had a piece of wheat bread with extra peanut butter yesterday, but I ate a bowl of fruit RIGHT before bed! "Fruit? SO WHAT! Liz, you are crazy and taking this way too far." Fruit is actually LOADED with sugar and right now in the weight loss phase I am keeping it LOW SUGAR, LOW CARB, and LOW FAT. Now, if I had a small bowl of fruit mid-morning...it may have been OK, but to let all that sugar sit in my stomach while my body was completely still, was not the wisest choice. A piece of string cheese or piece of turkey would have been much better. Anyways, in my head I was like, "Woo-hoo!! I'm skinny! People are noticing! My clothes are loose! I'm a super model!!!!!!!!!!!!! So this morning I went to boot camp and was home around 7:30 am. My husband and baby boy were awaiting my arrival in the living room, both greeting me with big smiles, hugs, kisses and nods of approval. I strutted my stuff into the kitchen where I made myself a protein shake. (You should have 24 grams of protein after a good work out. This tells your body, "Hey! We are not starving on a deserted island! We are being fed! Let's burn some fat!" If you do NOT eat 24 grams of protein after a work out your body will say, "CODE RED!!! Let's get into survival mode and STORE STORE STORE that fat! Hey metabolism, you hear me down there?? SLOW DOWN! We may not get any food for a while so we need to take cover!!" You get my drift? The body is such an amazing machine invented by the greatest creator you could ever imagine, GOD! OK, so back to my little story... So i had my protein shake followed by a refreshing shower. I then confidently pulled down a storage bin in my closet from WAY up top. Dust totally fell into my eyes as I pulled out one of my old friends. A bra that I had spent over $80 on and had not worn in over 4 years. Not only had I not worn it in 4 years but I only wore it for about a MONTH before I out grew it ONCE again! Yes, I got to my goal weight and then gained it RIGHT back. How did I do that? I was too busy celebrating my weight loss! Ok, so again...back to the bra story. I was so excited at the thought of this bra becoming one with me again when...WHOA...OK...HAULT...NOT GOOD...UM...Where is my mirror? OK...NOT going to happen. Reality hit me. I am no where NEAR finished. The thing didn't even make it HALF way around my body. I NEEDED this wake up call QUICK before I did any more damage. I have a lonnnnnng way to go and I have GOT to stay on track. I can not let compliments from people around me give me a big head. I need to say thank you and keep moving! It also reminded me that I am so fragile and quite frankly a little stupid when it comes to facing the TRUTH about my disease. I can NOT stop doing ANY of this EVEN when I reach my goal weight. That is my biggest fear, my friends. That when I reach my goal I will begin the celebration that will only lead me back to packing on the pounds. LIFESTYLE LIFESTYLE LIFESTYLE!!!!!! This is a marathon, not a sprint. Lord, grant me the strength to stay focused and satisfied today. Lord, allow me to walk in your great mercy that has made me NEW and WHOLE again. All the glory to you!

Anxiety, Depression, & Food...Oh My

As I sit here with my neck brace on deciding on which thoughts to put down on paper, I can not help but to focus on this gut wrenching feeling inside of me. Like many of us out there, anxiety plays a large role in ones everyday life. It has a small grip on me as I write this and I am trying to push the walls down and figure out exactly what it is that I can't shake.
Yesterday was Easter Sunday and I definitely overate. I was so hungry by the time we got to the party that I immediately began eating and drinking. I was so emotionally drained and exhausted. That is the perfect word for me right now. I am EXHAUSTED. I am exhausted by my thoughts, by people...just everything around me makes me feel a little overwhelmed. I feel distant from God and from myself in a weird way. I don't feel like I am abiding where I should be. I feel like I am so hard on myself sometimes! Why can't I just relax? I really have nothing to be stressed about. I mean yes, my neck really hurts. Yes, I take care of a baby 24/7. Yes my husband is a full time student and working and we don't get too much quality time. Yes, I still have 48 pounds to lose before I am no longer considered Obese. Yes, I work a lot and sometimes it drives me crazy. Yes, my house gets messy 3 seconds after I clean it up. I understand that I have some things that drive me nuts but these things are not too much to handle. Are they?? As a multi-tasker, I enjoy staying busy and feeling like I have a mission. I think I am burned out. And this neck pain is not helping.
Everyday is not going to be the amazing blog about how great I am doing, sometimes I just need to breath and express what I am dealing with. This is a lifestyle and I am committed to being 100% honest with myself. Over-eating comes with stress and I want to figure out what is making me so stressed.
I went to boot camp this morning and did some yoga afterwards for some good stretching.
Food Log:
String Cheese
Protein Shake
Chicken, string cheese, mustard, diet cherry coke
I need my prayer warriors out there today praying with me! I won't give up. I trust that God will give me strength and peace today.

CAKE MIX, JELLY BEANS, & PEEPS ALERT!

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. Thank you Lord for dying on the cross for us. Is this why we "dye" everything the day before Easter?? Just another one of the devil's plots to make us forget the reason for the season! It is fun and harmless as long as you celebrate the true meaning AS WELL AS the egg and candy festivals. Ok...so now that I am done preaching...I was dying dying dying DYING in the kitchen when all of a sudden the whiff of yellow cake mix entered my nostrils and triggered something in my brain that made my head spin. My mouth was watering and the voice in my head calmly said, "Easter comes once a year...indulge just this once!" Then the voice got a little demanding, and quite rude if you ask me, when it started saying, " You really think you are going to pull this whole weight loss thing off?! Just give up now and save everybody and yourself a lot of energy." OUCH. That was a little harsh. I immediately thought of my blog and how I was committed to confessing everything to it good or bad. The accountability was so powerful. I had half a bowl of cake mix left that either needed to be eaten, made into another set of cupcakes, or thrown away. I threw the bowl into the sink, turned on the water to flood it all away, and took a big sip of my old, stale coffee from this morning. As I always say...IT'S ONE BITE AT A TIME. Sure one little lick wouldn't have done much, but it would have led me to other little bites throughout the day. I stayed strong and I give all the praise to God!!

Today's Exercise: 60 minute Yoga dvd with Jillian Michaels

Today's Food Log
Cream of Wheat
Egg Whites and Turkey Bacon
Pudding
2 Cup Cakes (small binge) (A large binge would have been if I ate 6 cupcakes)
8 0z 2% milk (small binge continued)
Pork Loin
provolone cheese (2)
Pudding

Squeezed into a size 10 today

Sitting here on my couch listening to classical music feels so nice. Baby's in bed, laundry is done, floors are clean, and I have tackled one more day.

Food Log:
Cream of Wheat
Salad with Pork Loin, feta, veggies, balsm vin dressing
Coffee with sugar free hazel nut creamer
sugar free pudding
string cheese
chicken salad
Diet Cherry Coke
vegetable soup
sugar free pudding

Today was very controlled. I was in control of my food intake.

Easter Sunday is around the corner and since I have lost some weight I felt the urge to go ahead and raid my closet for my Easter outfit. I have this gorgeous pink seersucker suit that I wore about 4 Easters ago (my first Easter with Mike actually). I have had it hanging up for about 6 weeks now as a reminder that I wanted to wear it this Easter. The skirt wouldn't even pull up past my knees 6 weeks ago. Today I managed to squeeze into it and even get it zipped! However, I am not quite there but it was fun to see it actually cover the right body parts!

The only dress that fit me from my past is a size 10. I am not going to let that mess with my head though because I am clearly NOT a size 10 yet. I just got lucky with this one. I'm not even a size 14 yet! I have a long way to go but I know I can get there. I have already dropped one size so I just need to keep taking it one bite at a time. My neck still really hurts. It's hard to type this actually. My neck brace helps a little bit but I think I need to turn in early tonight. Blessings to all you reading and following my progress! Lastly, remember the reason for the season! Christ died for our sins on this very day and I am forever grateful.

"Help! I've fallen and I CAN get up!"

Everyone knows that with an injury comes another injury. In this case, I hurt my neck and now I have hurt my fitness plan. I have not been able to work out for 4 days now. Working out for me isn't just about growing muscle and burning fat. It is also about keeping me balanced mentally. Nothing is more refreshing than finishing up a good workout. Well, since that has been temporarily taken from me, I have had even MORE battles than usual when dealing with the kitchen. I guess I got a little cocky thinking I didn't need to post my food logs anymore since I was always eating the same thing. Well as soon as I stopped posting, my rebellious little self started adding some secret bites in here and there. So, I now am back to food logging! It is so important to do! Also, I need to be doing Yoga. I am a little discouraged that it has taken me 4 days to come up with a new plan while I am not able to do boot camp. But I am glad it is happening now!


Tonight is my Father-in-Law's birthday. I know there will be alcohol and food. What should I do? I honestly don't know if I can resist. I am feeling weak! HELP! I need a plan. OK...I am making a commitment to all you reading this right now. I am going to stick to water in a wine glass, and I am going to eat a big salad before I go so I don't slip into the pit of appetizers. Tonight, I'm blaming it on the pain meds!
Ahhhhhhh...I almost erased all that and didn't publish this blog because I am nervous that I can not keep this commitment. I WANT food and I WANT champagne. But you know what I want more? THESE 54 POUNDS OF FAT OFF MY BOD! Hold my hand and pray strength over me. I will be back to blog tonight after the party and I will be ready to post the rest of my food log for the day!

Carter is napping so this is the perfect time to chop veggies and cook a pork loin to make salads with the rest of the week and weekend.

Today: Cream of Wheat (sugar free! Whole grain so good carbs here)
Coffee with Sugar free hazelnut creamer
String Cheese
Chicken Salad with 7 sugar free all natural pita chips
String Cheese
5 grilled shrimp
4 asparagus
1/2 cup brown rice
3 chips and salsa
4 oz champagne (I'm proud of myself for not drinking 3 glasses plus a glass or two of wine which is normal for me at a dinner party)
sugar free jello pudding

911

I am not a superstitious person. I do not get freaked out by the number 13 or if a black cat crosses the street in front of me. I trust in the Lord and know that He is in control. I know that he allows things to happen they way they do and I choose to follow Him weather I understand what's going on or not. April 19th and 20th are two days that always cease to amaze me. It was the anniversary of so many tragedies. First of all it is the emergency 4-20 code US police forces use as radio language to communicate an emergency...as a result rebels like to smoke pot at that time or whatnot. In addition, this was Hitler's birthday 19th, the Oklahoma City Bombing 19th, The Columbine Shooting 20th, and most recently the BP Oil Spill. Every year for the last 6 or so years I have taken cover and stayed in doors on these two dates out of fear something bad will happen. Totally uncharacteristic of me but something I do indeed struggle with. Last year when I found out that my due date to have my baby was April 20th, I about fell out of my chair. I had to pray about this and ask God to take control and not allow my flesh to wander into dangerous territory. I actually tried to convince myself that his due date was actually the 21st and that they counted wrong. He was born on the 16th and everything was fine. Two days ago I began having severe neck pain. Yesterday I decided to stop ignoring it and I called my physician. Then this morning at 3am I could not move. I was in so much pain that I literally did not know what to do. Mike and I got Carter up and we all went in to the Emergency Room at Mobile Infirmary. It turned out to be all muscular related so we were very relieved. I am on some meds and in a cervical brace. I just walked in the door to sit down and blog about everything when I glanced down at my hospital bracelet to see today's date. APRIL 20th! IT NEVER FAILS! Seriously, what is up with that?! OK, I don't feel good. I need to go lie down. More later about my food intake and struggles later.

BIRTHDAY BINGE

It is Carter's first birthday today. My precious baby boy is growing up so fast! OK time to quit pretending. Today was bad. I had an emotional breakdown. With all of the emotions flying about our baby having his first birthday and it just really hitting home how in love we are with him. Well.......My wonderful husband had a little panic attack at the thought of losing him. When Mike was 7 he was attacked by a Pit Bull. He was obviously scared for life from this childhood trauma which is totally understandable. So, on this GORGEOUS day today Carter and I were laying in the yard reading his new birthday book from baby Preston when we decided to get up and walk around the block. Carter walked the whole way, stumbling from time to time. 30 Minutes later we slowly made our way back to the blanket where I had left my cell phone. Like we all do in this day and age, when parted from our precious technology we immediately check our phones once reunited. There it read "15 Missed Calls". When I started to click some more to see who they were from, my phone rang again with this sexy/humorous ring tone specially designed to tell me my mate is calling. I answered it only to hear a bunch frantic yelling about how he doesn't want Carter and I to get attacked by a Pit Bull. After talking me into promising not to go outside for the rest of the day there I sat. MAD...ALONE...ANNOYED...PRETURBED...HURT...CONTROLLED...CONFUSED...and DEPRESSED. So there I went...into the KITCHEN. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to do this! Fight it!!! Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!! But I could not find the strength to STOP this tornado of emotion. I only had a banana with peanut butter and skim milk. I realize is not that bad, but I ate way too much peanut butter and I was just not ready to be eating this sort of snack. It is way too soon in the South Beach Diet program. I WAS OUT OF CONTROL. HOWEVER... I'll give myself some credit because I totally resisted eating all of Carter's little strawberry cereal bars, his Vitamin D Organic Milk, AND his honey graham crackers dipped in peanut butter. I also resisted packing up the baby and heading up the road to Arby's. SOOO I did not fall completely off the wagon. AND the best part of everything was that I only sulked for a few minutes before regaining my strength and thinking positive thoughts and not beating myself up. It's amazing how fast we can talk ourselves into thinking we have failed. But this time, I refused to listen to those lies. About and hour later, Mike called from work saying how sorry he was and that he had given into his flesh and acted completely irrationally (which duh, I already knew). Of course I forgave him and we both are moving on stronger and healthier. Time to go for our evening walk!

tears right now

SPEECHLESS. I.......don't know what to say. I wish I could find the words. Lord, help me verbalize this. OK, i am in tears now for the second time in 15 minutes. I litterally have not cried in weeks. I thought I had just been numb in my emotions. I thought...I am done trying to imporess anyone or anything. I am going to shout out my starting weight of 226.6 pounds and not give a rip what anybody thinks. I am going to show off my scars and not look back. I am going to wear my weaknesses on my sleeve and people can take it or leave it. I KNOW that if I can become transparent and deal with the reality of my eating disorders that not only is there a chance that I could actually get well, but there is a chance that someone else could benefit. That someone else is actually 11 people. 10 women and 1 man all spread out over the country that have jumped on board in the fight for life. Their words of confession, realization, conviction, depression, and DESPERATION have found me. They have found me and are carrying me. I am no longer carrying myself or anyone else. I am being carried and mended back together with their words. With YOUR words. Jesus has brought us to each other and is working. HOPE is here. We are together. We are fighting this war as a unit and we WILL be VICTORIOUS. Several of you are emailing me your daily food logs, current weight, goal weight, and confessions. I encourage you to continue doing this. Everything said to me is confidence and prayed over. You are safe. You can breath. You are beautiful. You are ready to experience freedom.

"Big Girls Don't Cry"

Oh yes they DO! Ok...so last night we had our good friends over for dinner. As a working mom I didn't really have much time to prepare so I went to the store bought 2 pizzas and red wine. Mad at me yet? Look, this is life and there is going to be bad food around! We might as well get use to it! I served salad as well and YES that is all I ate. I ATE SALAD. I probably could have cut out a glass of wine but I am pretty proud of myself for saying no to pizza. Guess what else I said no to... CHOCOLATE ECLARES! That's right...our guests brought desert. I didn't indulge for one reason...I am not to my goal weight yet and even if I was I would have only had a bite or two. Ok...deep breath...so I survived a little battle last night. BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I am simulating and explosion in your face so you can get a taste of how I felt. My cousins baby shower was tonight! Between, the chocolate covered delights and the sugar crusted bites, I thought I was going to break. THE CRAVINGS ARE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!! I totally thought they were gone! HA! Joke's on me! It was like they were peeking around the corner staring at me and hoping I would just give in for one measley little evening out! Thanks to my now over 100 readers I had EACH OF YOU right there with me keeping me accountable. Thank you Jesus for this gift. I truly am honored and priviledged to be held to a higher standard and actually stand for something bigger than myself! I am so encouraged and excited. I stayed strong and actually was able to disucss my blog with some local talent. 110, 120, 122 pounds of babe surrounding me as I so bodly began to blurt out my 226 pound weight. Refreshing? Yes. Embarrassing? Yes. Neccessarry? YES. I need this. I want this. I have got to do this. As Queen sings so perfectly, "Under Pressure." I am feeling the pressure but I need it and I thank the Lord for giving me the desires of my heart. By the way I am now 217 pounds. 9 Pounds gone! On an ending note...I would like to take a second to thank all the emails and facebook messages. I am so blessed by your words. I am sorry for not responding with more lengthy replies but that is only so I can have energy and words left for the blog. Please Please Please keep the kind words coming. I am so happy that you are being encouraged and that you are taking action with me. I am also so proud of the few amazing people emailing me their daily food logs. We are in this together!
Blessings on you all! Pray for me please. I am REALLY wanting to binge right now. It doesn't make sense because I really am feeling strong but that strength/deamon is telling me I deserve to pig out. I am fighting it and I will succeed with God's help.

CALLING ALL PEOPLE-PLEASERS!!!

Aiming to please everyone leads me to only failing myself. I am so sick and tired of tip toeing around to try and keep the peace. It seems that in trying to keep the peace and treating everyone like freaking precious Prince Harry has only given these oh-so-ungrateful pleasing-takers the power to stomp all over me. In aiming to please everyone around me, which is impossible to do, I am led to the following thoughts. "Screw em', lets enjoy some wine tonight"...or "I deserve a break, lets splurge and order Papa Johns! Extra Garlic"...or maybe even thoughts like "I am a failure and don't feel like I can do anything...I have no drive to cook for my family...I just want to stand in the kitchen and eat whatever I want...and then i want to lay on the couch watching reality TV and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist...except Kim K, of course." These thoughts are not a part of me anymore. I REFUSE to turn to food as if it were some soft field of forget-me-nots about to change my life. All it is, is a chance to run away for a minute or two...run from all the pain that we don't want to deal with and into the arms a big, fat, sweaty, lard called...REALITY. Tonight I DEALT with the pain. I took heart and had the courage to sit and feel the ouch-factor of my feelings being hurt. No...It did NOT feel good. It really sucked to be honest. I didn't like hearing the truth in my own head or from the person from whom I sought counsel. But I did it because I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE. I don't want to be such a weakling who can't even deal with emotions. IN FACT...I don't want to try and please everyone out of the fear that they will get upset and I won't know how to handle the fact they are looking at me weird. I am in control. YOU are in control. I don't need to numb myself any longer. I am a "big girl" and I can handle this.

Food is a Battlefield

Another day of success! The fat better be melting off at this point. Sitting at my kitchen table today during lunch, I couldn't help but feel proud of myself. I was eating cucumbers, bell peppers, green onion, feta, grilled chicken and balsm vin dressing tossed to perfection. In between I would take a swig of my oh so refreshing club soda and lime. It really was satisfying. Not just satisfying to my stomach but also to my mind. It was so nice knowing that I wasn't going to flip out and sink into a depression attack wondering, "how could i ONCE AGAIN be so pathetic and do this to myself!?" Those are horrible thoughts. Not healthy or good in any way. But hey, they were real and they were mine. My goal now is to take action and make choices that will lead me into healthy, positive, and stable thoughts. There is no need to let food control me and get me down. It is there for one purpose and one purpose only...to keep me alive. It is not there to take me to a soaring-through-the-clouds high or a diving-into-the-side-of-a-mountain low. Food is small. It does not own me. It is not the boss of me. It is of little importance. Right? Yowzers...if that is true why did I just flicker off to a tiny fantasy about chocolate cake real quick? THIS IS SO SICK!! I mean, I can't just make this stuff up! And the best part is...I know I'm not alone. I have gotten a handful of emails literally from all over the country from women who are finally realizing that someone else speaks their language.

New Eating Habits Having Effect on My Dishes

I have ALWAYS thought that being on a diet and eating healthier living foods was so much more expensive than eating carb filled, shelf-sitting, brown foods. After a week of sticking to the South Beach low carb, no sugar diet my fridge is still looking pretty strong! Not only that but my pantry is collecting dust! I haven't been in there at all! The other thing is my dishwasher is not seeing a whole lot of action either because I am eating less and using way less dishes! The huge bowls I would use for cereal are singing the blues as we speak! I would run the dishwasher every night before I went to bed and now I am running it about every three days! I am eating so much less than I was before. I am satisfied during the day now. Oh, and I used to be scared to death when I would see the clock approaching 3 pm but now it doesn't even phase me! I just make a protein shake and move on! Two weeks ago, 3 pm meant time to binge eat...followed by time to be depressed and guilty. How in the world do I continue to binge eat AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!? Not anymore!!! This really is such a miracle. It is so amazing how efficient our bodies are. We can actually train our bodies into doing whatever we want! If you want to be fat and crave sugar than just feed yourself fat and sugar. YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT! Thank you Lord, for another day of success. To your glory!

Major Confession Time...Yikes

V8 Juice Juice Plus+ (www.live-juiceplus.com) Egg white and veggies coffee and hazel nut creamer 4 pieces of turkey bacon (SO AMAZING and only 35 calories each!) egg whites and veggies (again...jk I'm staying positive!) Sweet potato (not really allowed to have this until phase two...but if this is me slipping up I'm not really going to be that upset with myself) Mozzarella cheese 1/2 cup 3 bites black bean soup (got anxious and wanted more food but stopped before i ate the whole thing) fat free plain yogurt with 2 strawberries (again not aloud to have fruit yet oops) And now for the major confessions of a teenage drama queen...I had two glasses of white wine. This will be considered my one cheat day (even though this is the WHIMPIEST cheating i've ever done!) This was my low point of the week. Moving up and moving on. Deep breath... Heading to Saturday Family Boot Camp at 10 am tomorrow morning at the USA Mitchell Center. Taking Mike, and Carter with his stroller. Should be fun! ps...the last thing I ate was at 5:45 pm tonight which is SO GREAT...i will have a little cup of skim milk before bed. Adios!

4 Pounds GONE!

On Monday at boot camp (www.victoryfit.com) we got weighed in and I was HORRIFIED at what I saw. It really set in that I HAD to start taking serious action with my eating habits. I began the South Beach Diet because I felt that it is a realistic way of life in regards to food. So...Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday (ONLY 3 DAYS!!!!) I have been sticking to the diet which allows NO sugar, low carbs and high fiber foods. We are only suppose to weigh in every 30 days but I snuck a peek because my stomach looked so much smaller!! The scale whispered to me that I had lost 4 pounds! I was so excited. NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!

FREAKY FRIDAY

Ahhhhhhhhhh...this is nice. I am very content right now. No cravings. No negative thoughts. Pure peace. Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness this morning. I am grateful for Boot Camp. I went this morning at 6 am and not only did it jump start my day but my weekend as well!!! Mike works Friday and Saturday nights until 9 pm and that is the most tempting time to eat and veg out. I can't tell you how many times I would PREPARE for my binge eating festival on these lonely weekend nights. Carter goes to bed around 6:30 0r 7 so I would make sure to run by Winn Dixie around 5 so I could get his bath and supper done and then rock my angel softly to sleep. Then I would make my "weigh" to the fridge. I would pop open a nice bottle of red wine, make a plate of wheat thins, humus, cheese, carrots, more cheese, and an apple. Doesn't sound too bad does it? Well, the amounts of it I was eating WAS bad. Half a box of crackers later I was ready for the secret dark chocolate dove bar with another glass of red wine. OH SO GOOD. HEAVEN in fact. After all, I deserved it right? After a long hard week of working 4 part time jobs, being a full time mom, a full time wife, and running a very tight almost never messy household. I can not function in a mess so the house really is always clean and up to par. I take pride in my home. What four jobs?? 1-3 Massages a week, At Home Nanny 8 hours/week, Medical Sales Rep 10 hours a week, Juice Plus+ Sales Coordinator 5 hours/week. So anyways...back to Friday night. All of that hard work and now some LIZ time. AHHH feels SO GOOD. Yeah, so I am watching TV and escaping into my happy place. Tastes and feels so good. But now...it's 9:30, Mike walks in the door and I am ready to pass out fat and happy. Oops, I think I'm tipsy...and WOW i am really full. BED TIME with over roughly 2500 calories in my gut. NOT GOOD. Notice that all of my food choices were not half bad! They were actually good ones. Red wine and Dark Chocolate is good for the heart and FULL of anti-oxidants, wheat thins at least have some whole grains and aren't that bad, humus and carrots are good because they are raw vegetables full of vitamins, and low-fat cheese is good protein. But if you quadruple the serving sizes, eat past 7pm, and don't do any physical activity to help with digestion.......I mean what more do I have to say!! I was completely self-sabotaging and destroying any chance of weight loss. Living in denial and telling yourself, "Oh i eat pretty healthy and I'm pretty active" won't drop your numbers on the scale. YOU MUST FACE REALITY and follow the equation. Here it is... Eat Less+Move More=Burn Fat The "Eat Less" part is tricky because you can't just eat anything...you need to eat whole grains, raw fruits and vegetables, as well low fat, low calorie food, low carb and high fiber foods. Sorry to pitch a sale but it for your own good...consider adding Juice Plus to your diet to get 17 raw fruits and veggies to your diet. http://www.live-juiceplus.com/. In order for our bodies to function we need these nutrients. For $41.75/month you can add in this whole food nutrients. Signing off for now- Thanks for reading! I hope this encourages someone today! If it did, please leave a comment!! Liz

Day 3 on South Beach Diet

Getting easier! Not wanting to shove wheat thins down my throat this evening which is a first. Here is what I ate today: Juice Plus+, Shot of V8 Juice, Coffee with Sugar Free Hazel Nut Creamer, Cobb Salad with Crab Meat balsm ving dressing, Unsweet Tea, Cup Skim Milk, 4 Pieces of Turkey Bacon, Eggs Florentine, 3 Oz White Wine (oops again), String Cheese. Tomorrow morning boot camp at 6am!

Thank you Brandon

Brandon, I appreciate you bringing it to my attention that my spelling is atrocious. I have now figured out how to spell check. "I know what I like, and I like fritos."-Reba (spell check just told me i spelled fritos wrong but it isn't giving me any replacement options!) Oh, and i spelled atrocious correctly. Didn't see that one coming!

I had a shot for breakfast

Don't worry, I'm not talking about the booze. I am talking about V8 Vegetable Juice. My South Beach Diet Plan for Phase One (which is the first 2 weeks) suggests this as a breakfast option. I walked into the kitchen CRAVING a huge bowl (or two) of Honey Bunches of Oats Cereal (because that is healthy right?? Wrong..totally full of sugar). I FORCED myself to say, "Bottom's up!" on the V8. To my surprise...it wasn't bad and I was totally satisfied. Mission Accomplished. BY THE WAY...Last night was so hard. I wanted wine and snacks and was so hungry. I took had a cup of skim milk with a slash of sugar free hazel nut creamer in a mug heated to perfection. I took it into the bedroom, sipped it in bed and slept like a baby. Great trick!! I will definitely do that again.

Today's Food Journal- Day 2 of South Beach Diet

Took my Juice Plus! (www.live-juiceplus.com) 5:30 am Egg whites and veggies 7:30 am Protein Shake 9 am grilled chicken and string cheese, bite of mike's scrambled eggs sugar free pudding 11am Spinach salad-feta- pork loin-red onion- bell peppers-balsm vin dress 12- coffee with sugar free hazel nut creamer Chicken and string cheese Pudding egg white and veggie snack Protein Shake glass of white wine (oops, wasn't suppose to do this during first two weeks) 2 pieces of grilled chicken, salad, string cheese Pudding IM SO HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want another glass of wine and a box of wheat thins with chicken salad and pimento cheese...and some humus. Struggling really bad tonight. Liz

I have lost 3.5 inches my first 30 days of Bootcamp!

My alarm went off this morning at 5:22am and I didn't really have time to think. I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom where my boot camp clothes had been laid out the night before. Got dressed, grabbed one of my home made egg white and veggie snacks (complements of the South Beach Diet Cookbook), grabbed my water bottle and headed out. Fiona, my cat of 7 years excitedly ran in when I opened the door. Wow...it's really early and its really cold and I'm really tired and I better have lost some inches at this morning's fitscore. Two days ago at boot camp we had the first half of our fitscore where we weighed in and did all the fitness tests. I GAINED 2.5 pounds after a month of consistently doing boot camp. I ate fairly well but NOT well enough. Everyone was blowing smoke by telling me..."Oh it's just muscle gain...oh you're retaining water...oh first you gain because your body is in shock and then the fat melts off..."I know a lot of that is true but I was still so mad at myself. I KNEW it was also in a large part due to the fact that I was eating the wrong things and way too much of it. I binge eat when I get stressed. It sucks. I hate it. Immediately after I do it I go into depression and start being mean to everyone in my path. Poor Mike. I'm blessed that he always shows me grace and helps me fight my flesh. I don't think ANY OTHER MAN could deal with me without totally taking it personally. Mike is my rock. Actually Christ is my rock and Mike is my gift from my rock. So I got to boot camp and turns out, I lost 3.5 inches!!! Shoulder and arm increased 1/2 inch Chest decreased 1/2 inch Waist decreased 2 inches Thigh increased 1/2 inch (NOT COOL!!!) Calves decreased 1 inch I know that my muscle mass increased and my fat decreased. Now that I am doing South Beach low carb plan I am SURE to decrease much more significantly at next month's fit score!

Day one of Phase one on the South Beach Diet

I had to grocery shop and prepare my food for the week. Not an easy task by VERY important to do. Day one of 14 has been completed! I did not eat any carbs and I am very pleased with myself. josh told me to keep a food journal so here goes. Juice Plus+ (www.live-juiceplus.com) Protein powder with coffee mixed (Protein Mocha) Pork Loin and string cheese Pudding Asparagus and String cheese Protein Shake Egg whites and veggies Pork Loin, asparagus and string cheese Pudding Chamomile Tea

I LOVE BOOTCAMP

I love boot camp so much. It makes me so energized and happy. I have taken up tennis and even planted a garden! just wanted to share that real quick.

Exercise Plan

I am going to boot camp (www.victoryfit.com) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings at 6am. This is my 5th week in the game. I have missed two Friday sessions overall. Once because I was having a bad night and drank too much wine and another because I was too sore and tired from the previous boot camp session.

Every 4 weeks we have fit score. We weigh in, get measured, take our body fat percentage, run the timed mile, do the long jump, the sit up test, and the squat test. Josh and Mama D have told me that eating right is 80% of the challenge in losing weight but I guess it took me falling on my face to figure it out. I gained 2.5 pounds. I did improve in all other areas however! My fat decreased .5% which means the weigh I gained was all muscle. I ran the entire mile not stopping to walk once!! Never done that! My long jump decreased from 5'9 to 5'6 oddly enough. I did 10 more sit ups and 20 more squats! My push ups increased from 7 to 11. So i definitely improved but for someone carrying as much fat as I am, I need to be dropping at least 10 pounds a month. Therefore I have decided to really start eating right. I am not suggesting a diet...but I might be. I have decided to do the south Beach Diet for the next 30 days and then reevaluate. The first two weeks I can not have any carbs or sugar. It will be tough but I slowly will be able to add in some more food later that I will be able to continue doing for my lifestyle. Like I will eventually be able to have wine, bread, fruit and more. I would NEVER try to do NO CARBS to reach my goal weight. NO NO NO. I am doing the phase one jump start and then will ease into the lifestyle of the South Beach Diet. I basically do Phase 3 of South beach (which is the final phase) most of the time...except when I binge or just don't try. I enjoy eating healthy and have accepted that it must be a lifestyle. I must have self-control along with a great support group.

226.6 Pounds?

In the sixth grade I had a growth spurt and weighed 160 pounds at 5'8 tall. Little did I know that almost 2 decades later that would be my ultimate goal weight. Each year I would slowly start packing on the pounds. It was always a roller coaster however. Binging, starving myself, the grapefruit diet, joining weight watchers only to quit and then join again probably 10 times total...I could go on and on. I would lose weight-gain weight, lose weight-gain weight. But, every time I would be in the gaining phase I would end up a couple of pounds heavier from where I started! Dieting was teaching me that DIETS DON'T WORK. Twice in my life I reached my goal weight and managed to become a size 8! The more than perfect size for my height and body frame. A size 10 would make me the happiest girl in the world. Or would it? It's not about REACHING the desired goal weight or size...It is about KEEPING IT OFF! I am a pro at this game. I know how to diet but I do not know how to LIVE. LIVE my life without a diet? Live my life without binge eating? What else is there to do? The answer is LIVE. Live my life with my beautiful son. Live my life with my precious husband. It is time to live my life. LIFESTYLE. I want to make this time around a lifestyle not an adventure. I want to really do this forever and be healthy. I want to eat less and eat healthier. I want to be physically active and enjoy being outside. I want to feel great and look great. I want to feel lighter. I want to be 170 pounds. 56 Pounds to lose in six months. 170 pounds to maintain for the next 50 years. Which seems harder to you?

I'm BAAAAACK!

Two years ago I started a blog. I made one post welcoming everyone to my blog making promises that got lost in what seemed to be the black whole. I was 5 weeks pregnant and planning on charting the whole thing. I could not find this invisible blog to save my life! Seriously? Whatever...I moved on. OK i haven't moved on...I'm annoyed because I could have been blogging (whatever that means) this WHOLE time. My pregnancy was amazing and I would have loved to blog your head off about it. I guess i can write about it when it comes up. My precious angle baby is turning one next week! How can this much time have already passed by before I actually realized that i wanted to search for my blog again? Tonight I was watching a show about an 860 pound boy who literally was being poisoned with food by his own mother. I got upset and turned the TV to the "Classical Masterpieces" station. I took a deep breath of horror thinking about all the things I wanted to say to this IDIOT mother of this fat boy and then it hit me. Why not stop watching other people's sick lives and start writing about my own. I am 226.6 pounds. That's right. But y'all, its because I'm big boned. Yeah right...how long have i coasted on THAT excuse. Read more about this hideous truth in my next blog.