Thinking back to the ways things were really blows my mind. I was so obsessed with trying NOT to think about food. Now, I look forward to the fact that I get to eat a small healthy meal every 2-3 hours.
I still don't feel like I trust myself 100%. I feel like I am going to fail and screw everything up. Why do I feel like this? I am down to 209. That is a total weight loss of 17 pounds!!! I am thrilled...but I keep hearing this evil voice in my head telling me that not only will I not succeed but that I will never keep it going in the maintenance phase.
I want this so bad! I want to be skinny! I want to wear "skinny pants" as Garland calls them. The are these hot, tight, black pants that all skinny people wear. I always am stuck in jeans and a cotton shirt. I refuse to spend $200 on a shirt when I am this overweight. Once I'm at my goal...well yeah, I still can't afford it but at least I can save up for some nice pretty clothes every once in a while!
I just want to feel NORMAL. Why do I think about food all the time? I wish I didn't need it but obviously we need it to survive so I must learn to co-exist!
Jane Ellen asked me today if I had a boob reduction. That was so awesome!!! My chest has gone from 47 to 42 inches!!!
Miranda called me today to tell me that she was driving over the bay and say my sister walking on the scenic route...BUT IT WAS ME!!!
People are noticing and I am'a LIKING!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
MIX IT UP
I'm encouraged. So day was day one of me mixing up my diet. I haven't lost or gained a pound in 2 weeks. My body was getting quite use to expecting what it was getting...presumptuous little snot if you ask me. So today I threw a curve ball and I feel like I've dropped a whole pant size. I am not even kidding. This morning I had oatmeal (mixed with water, honey, some raisins and 5 sprays of fake butter.) Then for my mid morning snack instead of having a Kashi bar and peanut butter I had Greek Yogurt (plain) with almonds and craisens. For lunch I had 2 slices of whole wheat bread, Zoe's chicken salad, lettuce and 10 calorie honey mustard. I left off the cheese and left off a side! For my afternoon snack I had my usual 3 Melba toast crackers with 35 calorie Laughing Cow Cheese. For dinner I had a salad trio: a table spoon of humus, a table spoon of pimento cheese, a table spoon of chicken salad and a whole raw red bell pepper. (all three of those salads were from Zoe's so very healthy!!) Then for a snack I had a table spoon of chicken salad and a table spoon of pimento. Now I am sipping a vodka water and lime...NOT WINE! My PJ's are so baggy! I've heard that once you plateau you should mix your diet and work out up and then your body will drop 10-20 more pounds FAST! I swear I feel like 2 pounds have shredded off today. BUT I won't really know until Thursday because I have finally given up on weighing every day. It just depresses me and makes eating light VERY painful. Ignorance is bliss! I don't want to know. Only time will tell.
SO JOIN ME AND MIX IT UP!!!
SO JOIN ME AND MIX IT UP!!!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Brain Freeze
For two weeks now I have stayed at the same weight. I am still 212. It is so hard not to get down or frustrated. Thoughts like, "Well I might as well eat whatever I want if I'm not even going to lose anything!" I knew it would get hard but I am really struggling right now. I am hungry. I want to eat. I want to enjoy sweets and other forbidden fruits. But I don't want them to really be fruit. Just forbidden anything besides fruits. I know this is a bad attitude and I feel ashamed for having it but that is one thing you can not control...your thoughts. You can pray that they will go away, but you can't really avoid a thought that pops into your head.
I'm HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I really going to ddo this? Am I really going to succeed? I really want to...but how bad to I want it? How far am I willing to go? I miss drinking wine and eating a lot. I feel like my head is out of the game. I want to get back in it! Thank the Lord I still have Garland who is really holding me accountable and watching my every move. I have stayed on track and I am REALLY trying to do this. I am busting my butt at the gym. I am doing everything...except I may be a little off on my porion sizes. Deep breath...I don't know. I am not giving up but I need prayer. I need to focus on the prize and not lose heart! I want this. Please pray for me...that is all I need right now.
Real quick...
In 5 weeks:
My chest has gone from 46 inches to 42!!! (4 inches)
My waist has gone from 36 1/2 inches to 34 1/2!!! (2 inches)
My hips have gone from 47 inches to 44 1/2!!! (2 1/2 inches)
I have lost 8 1/2 inches total! That is really encouraging.
My weight started at 226
Today I am 212
Total weight loss: 14 pounds
NOT BAD!
I am tired and going to bed now. Sweet dreams...but without the sweets!
I'm HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I really going to ddo this? Am I really going to succeed? I really want to...but how bad to I want it? How far am I willing to go? I miss drinking wine and eating a lot. I feel like my head is out of the game. I want to get back in it! Thank the Lord I still have Garland who is really holding me accountable and watching my every move. I have stayed on track and I am REALLY trying to do this. I am busting my butt at the gym. I am doing everything...except I may be a little off on my porion sizes. Deep breath...I don't know. I am not giving up but I need prayer. I need to focus on the prize and not lose heart! I want this. Please pray for me...that is all I need right now.
Real quick...
In 5 weeks:
My chest has gone from 46 inches to 42!!! (4 inches)
My waist has gone from 36 1/2 inches to 34 1/2!!! (2 inches)
My hips have gone from 47 inches to 44 1/2!!! (2 1/2 inches)
I have lost 8 1/2 inches total! That is really encouraging.
My weight started at 226
Today I am 212
Total weight loss: 14 pounds
NOT BAD!
I am tired and going to bed now. Sweet dreams...but without the sweets!
Monday, October 3, 2011
"The Body Contortionist"
This is me on a night out on the town with Virginia and Mike. I am 212 pounds here. My goal is 150 lbs. I'm a a little confused because I don't really think I look 62 pounds over weight. Maybe it's just a slimming outfit. I have always been able to contort my body and face to look good in pictures so maybe that is it. That is another reason it has been hard for me to stay on track with losing weight...I get cocky and think, "Oh, I look fine...I'm just big boned." I will reevaluate once I hit 170...that may be a better goal weight for me. We shall see!! Fun night though! I felt great about myself for the first time in a long time.
Choosing Tears Over Food
Rejection is a tough pill to swallow. The feeling of being left out, ignored, or even punished by another individual by not including you can really hurt. It can leave you stranded with your thoughts...thoughts of self-doubt. It is important for us as humans to understand that it is OK to not be loved by everyone. It is OK to sometimes be left off the invitation list or left out of the conversation even when you are standing right there.
As a bubbly, outgoing, and loving person it is hard for me to accept this but like I am learning to accept this new way of living, I must learn to accept this about my community. Relationships are my passion. I give it 110% and sometimes it backfires. I have nurtured and grown several incredible relationships, I've also damaged and even destroyed other ones. We live and we learn. I have learned so much about how to handle things.
I know one thing, I can not save people. I can not protect people. And most importantly, I can not judge people. I can only love people and move forward with my own life, family and decisions. I have decided over this past weekend to let go and move forward. I can not dwell on broken bridges any longer. I have given it up to God and I am healed. I am repaired and I am strong. I am grateful for the people in my life that love me and care for me. I am not going to give into food to numb the pain any more. Instead, I am dealing with that pain and meeting those salty tears. As they sting down the sides of my face, I take comfort in knowing that the aftermath WILL feel better. In allowing myself to cry to a friend or cry to my mom or cry to my sister or cry to my dad or cry to my husband, I am choosing to feel pain and deal with my feelings rather than ignore them by stuffing food in my face.
Yep, that is what I have done my whole life. The second things go sour, I pull out the sweets. In doing this I am temporarily high on food and feeling great. After the binge I can only focus on the disgust of my actions which leads to depression and feeling like a fat failure...meanwhile I've forgotten all about who ever hurt me. I've always done this and people have always told me, "Gosh Liz, you are so strong. How do you stay so strong?" HA! Yeah, a strong fat a**. I was just praying they didn't see the brownies in my teeth while showering me with compliments.
Now this new Liz is a bit more high maintenance. I am little more emotional. I am a little more in touch with my feelings. I am a lot slower in regards to my actions after something hurts. I am staying calm. Then like a ton of bricks...I'm shot right in the chest with pain. But guess what? I'm shedding pounds, and I'm becoming a stronger and more serious person. My thighs are getting thin, but my skin is getting thick.
As a bubbly, outgoing, and loving person it is hard for me to accept this but like I am learning to accept this new way of living, I must learn to accept this about my community. Relationships are my passion. I give it 110% and sometimes it backfires. I have nurtured and grown several incredible relationships, I've also damaged and even destroyed other ones. We live and we learn. I have learned so much about how to handle things.
I know one thing, I can not save people. I can not protect people. And most importantly, I can not judge people. I can only love people and move forward with my own life, family and decisions. I have decided over this past weekend to let go and move forward. I can not dwell on broken bridges any longer. I have given it up to God and I am healed. I am repaired and I am strong. I am grateful for the people in my life that love me and care for me. I am not going to give into food to numb the pain any more. Instead, I am dealing with that pain and meeting those salty tears. As they sting down the sides of my face, I take comfort in knowing that the aftermath WILL feel better. In allowing myself to cry to a friend or cry to my mom or cry to my sister or cry to my dad or cry to my husband, I am choosing to feel pain and deal with my feelings rather than ignore them by stuffing food in my face.
Yep, that is what I have done my whole life. The second things go sour, I pull out the sweets. In doing this I am temporarily high on food and feeling great. After the binge I can only focus on the disgust of my actions which leads to depression and feeling like a fat failure...meanwhile I've forgotten all about who ever hurt me. I've always done this and people have always told me, "Gosh Liz, you are so strong. How do you stay so strong?" HA! Yeah, a strong fat a**. I was just praying they didn't see the brownies in my teeth while showering me with compliments.
Now this new Liz is a bit more high maintenance. I am little more emotional. I am a little more in touch with my feelings. I am a lot slower in regards to my actions after something hurts. I am staying calm. Then like a ton of bricks...I'm shot right in the chest with pain. But guess what? I'm shedding pounds, and I'm becoming a stronger and more serious person. My thighs are getting thin, but my skin is getting thick.
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