Starting over today was a tough pill to swallow. This "journey" has fooled us all. I was expecting to take a journey down a path and yes, make a few wrong turns here and there but nothing like this. I have managed to take a four month venture in a CIRCLE. That's right. I am back exactly where I started...226 pounds.
I started in April at this weight and it hurt to see that number. What REALLY hurts is to see that number four months later. Up and down, up and down. Every time I lost weight I would completely sabotage everything and gain it right back. I put away the scale so I couldn't see my progress and that has helped some, but right when I feel the clothes getting lose I begin to pack back on the pounds. I have continued to do cardio 30-60 minutes a day plus resistance training and abs, but at the end of the day, it's "Calories IN, Calories OUT". I must gain control of my eating.
I really am shocked at how quick I can talk myself into not caring during a binge. I know I need to care more about myself and take it one bite at a time. It really is so discouraging to know how big of a flake I truly am. The song by Pink just came into my head..."You're so mean, when you talk" how does it go?? "Make those voices...in your head...make them like you, instead." "Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like your less than...less than perfect."
You may be thinking....hmmmm she should go to a therapist. HA! I agree with you! I actually think EVERYONE could use a good shrink. It helps to talk out your issues and we all got 'em!
OK so enough of the pity party. I am back on my feet and moving forward. I joined Weight Watchers tonight finally after 4 weeks of talking about it. I am pre-paid for 6 weeks to help motivate me. Wednesday nights are my meetings and weigh in's. I will blog my results, thoughts, feelings, screw-ups, and accomplishments. I pray that I can conquer tomorrow. I can not focus on a year from now where I could be at my goal. I can only focus on today...well and tomorrow since I'm in bed about to fall asleep.
Back in the saddle again and feeling confident that I WILL do this because I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!!! haha sorry I'm delirious. Going to sleep.
Lord, I know you can help me with this. I want to honor you with me body. I surrender to your will and ask for you to take control. Thank you Jesus for your Grace. Amen
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sense and Sensitivity
It is so hard when I want so badly NOT to care but can not help the fact that I do. I don't want to let petty people bother me, but I always do! When people are mean or just flat out obnoxious, I would absolutely love to feel/think like this:
"Oh well, I'm sure they don't mean it and I hope they have a great day!"
After this thought I would like to actually FEEL it! Instead I obsess and revisit the situation in my head. I play out every scenario possible of how it went, how it could have gone and/or how it may come back. It is exhausting! I always try to stop myself before sending a text or email response until I cool off and really consider the consequences of what I plan to say.
Unfortunately, having the self control of NOT fighting fire with fire only leads to a LACK of self-control in the kitchen! I don't want to suppress my feelings, but I feel like it is a lose lose situation. If I keep my mouth shut and kill'em with kindness, I am just pissed off that I got walked all over. On the contrary, if I put them in their place I will feel guilty all day long for whatever I said out of anger. If I do EITHER of these things, I BINGE EAT! Binging is the only immediate comfort I can do at that moment! Or is it?
Well, lets see...What else could I do besides EAT my feelings?
Prayer is really the only thing I can come up with, but in those heat of the moment situations even that seems useless. I start to pray and I continue marching towards to pantry. I want to get to the point where I am calm and collected. I know that my eating problems come from a personality flaw. I am an impulsive, hot-tempered, OVER-sensitive, hot mess! However, my strengths are that I am passionate, driven, organized and a major go-getter! So being an extremely wide-eyed, bushy tailed girl has its pros and its cons.
I love being full of life. It makes those good days really GREAT! But...it makes those bad days feel like I'm in the pit of hell with no way out. Why all the freakin' drama?!
I want to learn to control myself and SLOW DOWN. I want to remember to breath when I need to. I want to know how to let it roll off my back when necessary. I want to be balanced. If I can find this balance it will carry onto my weight loss.
So Lord, my prayer today is that you help me find this balance that I so desperately need. With out it, I can not succeed. With out YOU, I can not succeed. Thank you for all you do for me. All the glory to you, Lord Jesus.
"Oh well, I'm sure they don't mean it and I hope they have a great day!"
After this thought I would like to actually FEEL it! Instead I obsess and revisit the situation in my head. I play out every scenario possible of how it went, how it could have gone and/or how it may come back. It is exhausting! I always try to stop myself before sending a text or email response until I cool off and really consider the consequences of what I plan to say.
Unfortunately, having the self control of NOT fighting fire with fire only leads to a LACK of self-control in the kitchen! I don't want to suppress my feelings, but I feel like it is a lose lose situation. If I keep my mouth shut and kill'em with kindness, I am just pissed off that I got walked all over. On the contrary, if I put them in their place I will feel guilty all day long for whatever I said out of anger. If I do EITHER of these things, I BINGE EAT! Binging is the only immediate comfort I can do at that moment! Or is it?
Well, lets see...What else could I do besides EAT my feelings?
Prayer is really the only thing I can come up with, but in those heat of the moment situations even that seems useless. I start to pray and I continue marching towards to pantry. I want to get to the point where I am calm and collected. I know that my eating problems come from a personality flaw. I am an impulsive, hot-tempered, OVER-sensitive, hot mess! However, my strengths are that I am passionate, driven, organized and a major go-getter! So being an extremely wide-eyed, bushy tailed girl has its pros and its cons.
I love being full of life. It makes those good days really GREAT! But...it makes those bad days feel like I'm in the pit of hell with no way out. Why all the freakin' drama?!
I want to learn to control myself and SLOW DOWN. I want to remember to breath when I need to. I want to know how to let it roll off my back when necessary. I want to be balanced. If I can find this balance it will carry onto my weight loss.
So Lord, my prayer today is that you help me find this balance that I so desperately need. With out it, I can not succeed. With out YOU, I can not succeed. Thank you for all you do for me. All the glory to you, Lord Jesus.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Why?
The calm of the night feels so good and so safe. I then think about all the danger that lies just outside of our home. All of the men and women out there that are on the path of self-destruction and abuse to anyone else that may fall as a victim in their way brings me feelings of terror. As I mother, I now know what true fear is. What if something happens to my child? I can not live in fear, though it is so easy to if you are not careful.
As a child I took on a special maternal roll for my precious baby sister. She was a true gift from God that I had prayed for night after night for as long as I could remember. I remember having dreams that my sister had arrived. I would run into the nursery and find an empty crib. It was devastating. Finally she did in fact arrive and I was in love. When I was 5 years old I actually took her to Show-and-Tell at school. The other parents would stare at my mother in disbelief as to why she trusted her 5 year old with her newborn. My mom would always tell me that she trusted me with the baby more than she trusted anyone else. She KNEW that I was Virginia's body guard and would protect her to the death.
Across the street from my parent's home in Mobile, AL there was and still is a small track/field type area where families walk, bike and play catch. On Sunday's it is the parking lot to Dauphin Way Methodist Church. My childhood bedroom had a balcony that actually looked out onto this track. I was young and innocent and that life was just about playing and have a good time.
When I was 10 years old I took Virginia, then 5, across the street practice catching the softball. We did this almost everyday and it had become quite routine. I was tough on Virginia. I would sometimes have her do sprints or other practice drills because I loved coaching her and seeing her progress. One day a man began making his way towards us with a little white poodle. He said, "hi" and kept on walking. The next day a tan four door sedan pulled up and the same man mumbled something out of the window. I finally heard him say, "Have you seen my dog?" I was in full view of him exposing and pleasuring himself. I turned around ran ten feet behind me to only grab Virginia, then run behind his car which stood in between my parents home and our gloves. I looked both ways and ran across Dauphin Street into the safety of my parents home.
I told Virginia not to tell anyone what had happened and I retreated to my parent's study and hid under the desk. About 30 minutes later my mom and Virginia found me and I confessed what had happened. I thought I was going to be punished and I was sick to my stomach.
My mom called 911 as I sat there holding my sister and crying. The next day at school I was called to the front office in the middle of class to meet a police man in a private room. I was asked to look through a huge binder full of mug shots of men hoping to identify my predator. He was never found or identified. My friends teased me for days thinking I had been called to the office for getting in trouble or something. The girls were mad at me for not telling them what I did. The next few days I hid under my bed and ate peanut butter crackers. Virginia and I slept in the same bed for the next 4 years so I could protect her. I still lay my head down at night sometimes wondering, "Why?"
As a child I took on a special maternal roll for my precious baby sister. She was a true gift from God that I had prayed for night after night for as long as I could remember. I remember having dreams that my sister had arrived. I would run into the nursery and find an empty crib. It was devastating. Finally she did in fact arrive and I was in love. When I was 5 years old I actually took her to Show-and-Tell at school. The other parents would stare at my mother in disbelief as to why she trusted her 5 year old with her newborn. My mom would always tell me that she trusted me with the baby more than she trusted anyone else. She KNEW that I was Virginia's body guard and would protect her to the death.
Across the street from my parent's home in Mobile, AL there was and still is a small track/field type area where families walk, bike and play catch. On Sunday's it is the parking lot to Dauphin Way Methodist Church. My childhood bedroom had a balcony that actually looked out onto this track. I was young and innocent and that life was just about playing and have a good time.
When I was 10 years old I took Virginia, then 5, across the street practice catching the softball. We did this almost everyday and it had become quite routine. I was tough on Virginia. I would sometimes have her do sprints or other practice drills because I loved coaching her and seeing her progress. One day a man began making his way towards us with a little white poodle. He said, "hi" and kept on walking. The next day a tan four door sedan pulled up and the same man mumbled something out of the window. I finally heard him say, "Have you seen my dog?" I was in full view of him exposing and pleasuring himself. I turned around ran ten feet behind me to only grab Virginia, then run behind his car which stood in between my parents home and our gloves. I looked both ways and ran across Dauphin Street into the safety of my parents home.
I told Virginia not to tell anyone what had happened and I retreated to my parent's study and hid under the desk. About 30 minutes later my mom and Virginia found me and I confessed what had happened. I thought I was going to be punished and I was sick to my stomach.
My mom called 911 as I sat there holding my sister and crying. The next day at school I was called to the front office in the middle of class to meet a police man in a private room. I was asked to look through a huge binder full of mug shots of men hoping to identify my predator. He was never found or identified. My friends teased me for days thinking I had been called to the office for getting in trouble or something. The girls were mad at me for not telling them what I did. The next few days I hid under my bed and ate peanut butter crackers. Virginia and I slept in the same bed for the next 4 years so I could protect her. I still lay my head down at night sometimes wondering, "Why?"
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Scale Obsessed
I wake up to the precious cry of my baby boy. I half blindly make my way to the kitchen to fix his bottle. During the 25 seconds it takes to heat up, I can't help but notice the scale in my peripheral. These are my thoughts...
"If I get on and I don't like what I see, than the whole day will be ruined. I will be depressed and pissed off all day long. I will be short with my husband, I will be impatient with my child, I will spit in the faces of my dishes begging to be washed, and I will binge the second I see my weight."
Yes, these are the thoughts that went through my head. I then thought to myself....
"OK...what if I promise myself that no matter what the scale says I will STAY CONTROLLED. I will not allow the number to ruin my life."
Then I had this thought...(The bottle was still heating up)
"You know what,I really do feel lighter today. I bet I lost 3 pounds. I couldn't have possibly gained 10 pounds of FAT in 2 weeks so I bet at least 3 pounds of it was water weight. Yes, I'm sure I will have lost 3 pounds. But even if I haven't I will stay controlled."
Then I said to myself with about 4 seconds left on the microwave...
"I think after this weigh-in I will put the scale away and not do this to myself every single day. I think I should weigh only once a week."
One more quick thought...
"How will I ever do this? The only way is to do it in a group because Lord knows that right now I can not trust myself on this issue. I think I'll throw my scale away, which in this house means I will get Mike to hide it from me because we are poor and we don't dispose of anything that still work. I will only weigh in on Wednesday nights at Weight Watchers."
The timer went off and the bottle was ready.
Thought...
"ONE LAST TIME!!!"
I hopped on that scale and BOOM...it was the same as yesterday. 223 lbs.
Yes, that is right. Two weeks ago I had reached 213. I was so excited. I had not been here since 2008. I lost control and there it went. But I'll be back...yes I'll be back.
"If I get on and I don't like what I see, than the whole day will be ruined. I will be depressed and pissed off all day long. I will be short with my husband, I will be impatient with my child, I will spit in the faces of my dishes begging to be washed, and I will binge the second I see my weight."
Yes, these are the thoughts that went through my head. I then thought to myself....
"OK...what if I promise myself that no matter what the scale says I will STAY CONTROLLED. I will not allow the number to ruin my life."
Then I had this thought...(The bottle was still heating up)
"You know what,I really do feel lighter today. I bet I lost 3 pounds. I couldn't have possibly gained 10 pounds of FAT in 2 weeks so I bet at least 3 pounds of it was water weight. Yes, I'm sure I will have lost 3 pounds. But even if I haven't I will stay controlled."
Then I said to myself with about 4 seconds left on the microwave...
"I think after this weigh-in I will put the scale away and not do this to myself every single day. I think I should weigh only once a week."
One more quick thought...
"How will I ever do this? The only way is to do it in a group because Lord knows that right now I can not trust myself on this issue. I think I'll throw my scale away, which in this house means I will get Mike to hide it from me because we are poor and we don't dispose of anything that still work. I will only weigh in on Wednesday nights at Weight Watchers."
The timer went off and the bottle was ready.
Thought...
"ONE LAST TIME!!!"
I hopped on that scale and BOOM...it was the same as yesterday. 223 lbs.
Yes, that is right. Two weeks ago I had reached 213. I was so excited. I had not been here since 2008. I lost control and there it went. But I'll be back...yes I'll be back.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Back at square one
Why is it that when our house is messy we get depressed. There is so much clutter in the breakfast room. There are toys everywhere. Our bedroom has 2 baskets of clean laundry staring me in the face and chewing me out every time I go in there. I chose to leave the blinds drawn so that I don't have to deal with the shrieking cries each pair of clean underwear makes at me. "PUT ME AWAY!!!! Just do it! We are sick of being crammed in with all this crap!" Uhhhhhhhh, shut your mouth laundry and just be grateful that I at least had time to wash you.
My inter monologue is starting to freak me out but I just can't find the time or strength to get it done. The second I'm done washing dishes, making beds, straightening up the living room, and taking out the trash it all comes back again to torment me. I don't mind cleaning but it just never ends. I have started to become pretty good at just ignoring the crumbs on the ground and trying to find peace in the fact that at least my dishes are clean...But I can not fake it any longer. The clutter stresses me out so much that I retreat to my happy place in a nice big BINGE moment. Why oh why does standing there stuffing my face give me a false sense of peace?
I don't want to do this and I am having a hard time accepting that I constantly do this. Why is it we do the things we hate? I know it's in the bible that this is just a battle our flesh has against our Spirit...but I still want to think I can stop forever and never fight again. I want to be perfect. I want to stop being the failure that I am. I want to stop being an idiot and just do what I know I should do all the time.
I need to be telling myself that I can do this. I am not a failure. I am strong. But the truth is I just don't feel it right now. I am weak, ashamed, disgusted and hurt that I have failed once again. Simple things like having a messy house or hearing a screaming baby should not prevent me from losing weight. It is such a mental battle and I am feeling defeated. I pray that the Lord gives me the strength I need to be a better mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter and servant to Him. I want to do well during this short life and I fear I am headed in the wrong direction. I must gain control of my emotions and SLOW DOWN. This is me slowing down and facing the fact.
I have gained almost all my weight back. I have not worked out in 2 weeks. I have felt depressed and miserable about myself. I am now ready to get back up and start all over. I will not give up.
My inter monologue is starting to freak me out but I just can't find the time or strength to get it done. The second I'm done washing dishes, making beds, straightening up the living room, and taking out the trash it all comes back again to torment me. I don't mind cleaning but it just never ends. I have started to become pretty good at just ignoring the crumbs on the ground and trying to find peace in the fact that at least my dishes are clean...But I can not fake it any longer. The clutter stresses me out so much that I retreat to my happy place in a nice big BINGE moment. Why oh why does standing there stuffing my face give me a false sense of peace?
I don't want to do this and I am having a hard time accepting that I constantly do this. Why is it we do the things we hate? I know it's in the bible that this is just a battle our flesh has against our Spirit...but I still want to think I can stop forever and never fight again. I want to be perfect. I want to stop being the failure that I am. I want to stop being an idiot and just do what I know I should do all the time.
I need to be telling myself that I can do this. I am not a failure. I am strong. But the truth is I just don't feel it right now. I am weak, ashamed, disgusted and hurt that I have failed once again. Simple things like having a messy house or hearing a screaming baby should not prevent me from losing weight. It is such a mental battle and I am feeling defeated. I pray that the Lord gives me the strength I need to be a better mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter and servant to Him. I want to do well during this short life and I fear I am headed in the wrong direction. I must gain control of my emotions and SLOW DOWN. This is me slowing down and facing the fact.
I have gained almost all my weight back. I have not worked out in 2 weeks. I have felt depressed and miserable about myself. I am now ready to get back up and start all over. I will not give up.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Today
Woke up today missing this. I have drifted. This week was crazy. Mike took his FINAL final, it was our 4 year anniversary, Carter started swim lessons, I could go on and on. I have been too busy to cook, clean and think. I am stopping and I am thinking.
Deep breath...
Today I have had coffee with milk. Carter is demanding my attention but I'll be back.
Deep breath...
Today I have had coffee with milk. Carter is demanding my attention but I'll be back.
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