Broken Under Pressure

I feel so defeated. I don't know what to say except that I am feeling so defeated. I have done everything I know to do. I thought that if I had accountability that I would succeed. I am finding now that that is not enough. In 5 months I have only lost a total of 2 pounds. I feel like I should have lost 50 pounds by now. Instead I am sitting here wondering and wallowing as to why can I not win this battle?

Weight Watchers really works but I totally crack under pressure. Knowing that I have to weigh in only made me freak out and rebel. I hated always having to count everything. Yes, it was cool and fun for a week but then it was like, can I seriously keep this going forever?? So I quit. I just feel like I have so much to give and so much to live but this fat is just in my way! I see pictures of myself and it saddens me that I am glowing and young but carrying 50 pounds of extra unnecessary fat.

I was talking to Mike about it tonight after he asked my what was bothering me. I looked at him and I was like, am I going to be fat forever? I want to be thin. I want to enjoy clothes and feel good about myself and just feel light.

I told him that I loved to exercise but that I had not in 2 weeks because of what it does to me. It makes me so hungry and I lose control and BINGE! If I don't work out I feel stable and calm with my eating. But I want and need to work out! I feel so trapped. I pray, Lord, that you will help me. I have been running around trying to solve all my problems but I can't. I surrender. I ask that you would lead and help me know which way to go.

I know that I need to slow down. Take a breath. Stop racing myself. Take it one bite at a time. I need to eat less and move more. It is simple and definitely the SLOW way to lose weight but I'm OK with that. I just want to be healthy and a good steward of my body which is made in His image. Please pray with me tonight. I have just picked back up my sword.

Weight Watchers Week 2

Gained 0.8 pounds this week. I got cocky and was not really measuring my food. I was what they call "guesstimating" the points. That obviously got me in trouble. Not too much damage has been done. I knew I had not lost anything because I could feel it in my clothes. I went to the meeting anyways to get back on track. This week I will wrtie down everything I eat, measure my points out, and exercise. I will also take deep breaths and be kind to myself when it comes to my thoughts. Thank you Lord for this day!

This picture goes along with my previous post. It speaks volumes to me.

Eat to Live; Don't Live to Eat.

After seeing the movie Cast Away starring Tom Hanks, it hit me. If he can survive on coconuts and raw fish, I could too. Before his plane crashed near that tiny little island he was a hefty 250 pound teddy bear of a man. He ate several large meals a day having snacking in between whenever they presented themselves. He also drank beer, whisky, wine, soda, milk, orange juice. You name it, he ate it. His first day on the island was tough because his body was expecting tons of fat, protein and calories! He wasn't getting any. Those first few days must have been the most difficult for his body and mind. After a few days he was officially in survival mode and was able to live off of very basic and low calorie meals. The sight of a juicy beetle meant one thing to him...SURVIVAL! That one fat bug was a great source of protein and kept him alive. It's amazing how quickly the body can adjust. So many Americans are so dang fat. It is not even funny how fat we have become. We can go to the dollar tree and buy a whole weeks worth of processed groceries for under 15 bucks! Kids are being given goldfish and cookies instead of chopped fruit, veggies, whole grains, meats and cheeses.

Instead of seeing food as just a tool for survival we center our whole lives around it! I get so grossed out even thinking about it and then I look down at myself and all I see is GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY!! I am obviously guilty of making food an idol. I have indulged and stuffed and eaten my way into a lifestyle that is totally unnecessary! I don't want to live to eat any more. I want to eat to live. Nothing more.

Pics

Here I am today workin' it on the elliptical machine in my living room!

Weight Watchers Week 1

I lost 4 pounds on my first week at Weight Watchers. I wrote everything down and kept track of my points. I also moved our dusty old elliptical into the living room (after cleaning it up first) and have been doing 30 minutes a day on it while watching the tv. Also, with the Weight Watcher's new "plus" program I can eat unlimited fruits and veggies! So when I'm starving or craving sweets I can eat watermelon or whatever fruit I want and I don't have to measure it out. I can just EAT! It is great! WW's used to make you count fruit and veggie points which really added up! Also, I have learned that the red wine has to go or at least slow down. I could never give it up so I am trying to only have one glass a couple nights a week instead of 2 glasses a night. I can have 36 points a day and 2 glasses of wine is 6 points! A Bud light is only 1 point by the way. So this week, I am going to track everything I eat and continue my exercise routine which has been consistant for 6 months so shouldn't be a problem. EATING is 80% of the weight loss battle!!