Why?

The calm of the night feels so good and so safe. I then think about all the danger that lies just outside of our home. All of the men and women out there that are on the path of self-destruction and abuse to anyone else that may fall as a victim in their way brings me feelings of terror. As I mother, I now know what true fear is. What if something happens to my child? I can not live in fear, though it is so easy to if you are not careful.

As a child I took on a special maternal roll for my precious baby sister. She was a true gift from God that I had prayed for night after night for as long as I could remember. I remember having dreams that my sister had arrived. I would run into the nursery and find an empty crib. It was devastating. Finally she did in fact arrive and I was in love. When I was 5 years old I actually took her to Show-and-Tell at school. The other parents would stare at my mother in disbelief as to why she trusted her 5 year old with her newborn. My mom would always tell me that she trusted me with the baby more than she trusted anyone else. She KNEW that I was Virginia's body guard and would protect her to the death.

Across the street from my parent's home in Mobile, AL there was and still is a small track/field type area where families walk, bike and play catch. On Sunday's it is the parking lot to Dauphin Way Methodist Church. My childhood bedroom had a balcony that actually looked out onto this track. I was young and innocent and that life was just about playing and have a good time.

When I was 10 years old I took Virginia, then 5, across the street practice catching the softball. We did this almost everyday and it had become quite routine. I was tough on Virginia. I would sometimes have her do sprints or other practice drills because I loved coaching her and seeing her progress. One day a man began making his way towards us with a little white poodle. He said, "hi" and kept on walking. The next day a tan four door sedan pulled up and the same man mumbled something out of the window. I finally heard him say, "Have you seen my dog?" I was in full view of him exposing and pleasuring himself. I turned around ran ten feet behind me to only grab Virginia, then run behind his car which stood in between my parents home and our gloves. I looked both ways and ran across Dauphin Street into the safety of my parents home.

I told Virginia not to tell anyone what had happened and I retreated to my parent's study and hid under the desk. About 30 minutes later my mom and Virginia found me and I confessed what had happened. I thought I was going to be punished and I was sick to my stomach.

My mom called 911 as I sat there holding my sister and crying. The next day at school I was called to the front office in the middle of class to meet a police man in a private room. I was asked to look through a huge binder full of mug shots of men hoping to identify my predator. He was never found or identified. My friends teased me for days thinking I had been called to the office for getting in trouble or something. The girls were mad at me for not telling them what I did. The next few days I hid under my bed and ate peanut butter crackers. Virginia and I slept in the same bed for the next 4 years so I could protect her. I still lay my head down at night sometimes wondering, "Why?"