If I stay fat, no one will hurt me.

When I started this blog I promised myself I would be completely honest and open. Not only with myself but with anyone who bothered to read what I had to say. Well, one of my faithful readers who emails me daily with food logs, goals, struggles and anything else she feels like expressing has brought something to my attention after reading yesterday’s blog. She related deeply to what I said in regards to “celebrating” too soon and then having to start all over again from square one. She brought up some very interesting and true reasons for self-sabotaging. First, she said, “I am actually scared of success. I have this thought that if I succeed then people will expect things from me and the pressure/attention from that is SO not what I want.” She followed with, “I am scared to imagine what life will be like if I really do conquer this weight issue. What would I then have to obsess over? What would be my goal? What's at the top of this mountain for me?” These thoughts are so profound and so right on point. There is one more question that I hold in a deep dark place. That question is what if I get attacked again? Freshman year in college I became the victim of what so many other women out there all become the victim of. After graduating from high school, I lost about 20 pounds and was ready for my college experience. In December of 2001 I fell to the mercy of a sexual predator. After this horrible experience I quickly gained 40 pounds, began drinking socially until I would black out, and worst of all became promiscuous. Damaging my body in every way I could to hide the pain. I didn't care and I didn't want to think about it. Two years into college I finally reached out for some help at a free counseling clinic where I was counseled for 6 weeks. Each session would begin by me repeating for an entire minute "I was raped. I was raped. I was raped" I hated saying it. It would infuriate me, in fact. I wanted to go back and pretend nothing had ever happened and just move on. Many times, I just wanted to die. It was the hardest time of my life. Who could ever love me after what my body had been through? That is a thought I dealt with on a daily basis only leading myself to self-destruct even more. After convincing myself that I was unworthy of any man, I decided to move as far away as I could and join a ministry. I landed an internship with New Life Ministries in Laguna Beach, CA. My job was actually to develop a nationwide small group program based on the weight loss book by Stephen Arterburn, Lose it for Life. Ironic, isn’t it? It was there that I met the most amazing man. He actually showed me in the bible how God has made us NEW. We have a new heart and are actually able to walk guilt free no matter what we have done because we have been saved by Jesus Christ dying on the Cross. Because God gave his only son to do this for us, we can now be FREE from the law. We can live out His mercy and grace in our everyday life. It was then that I experienced true freedom. My relationship with the Lord began to grow and so did my relationship with Mike. Mike loved me. ..scars and all. He understood that I was a new creation and the things my flesh had been through did not define me in his eyes or in God’s eyes. I was forgiven. What a miracle! So, as hard as this testimony is to tell, I take comfort in knowing that I am not my own, but I belong to the Father because I was bought by the blood of Jesus. I was not expecting to EVER share my testimony like this. I have shared it with probably 10 close friends and family over a period of TEN YEARS so you can imagine how difficult this is for me. It is my duty however, to be obedient to what I am called to do. I know that I will be blessed and that hopefully someone else will be blessed by reading this.
Also, in order for me to get well and conquer this problem of abusing myself through food, I must be honest with myself. I also find it freeing and such a “weight” is being lifted as I write to get this huge dark secret off my chest.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. “- 2 Corinthians 5:17-21
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20