Winter Blues

Wow. I can not believe it has been 6 weeks since my last blog entry! And now for all my excuses: December was so jam packed with parties, cleaning, wrapping and hosting that I litterally have just now caught my breath. The real truth of the matter, if I'm going to really dig deep and not be in denile, is that I have been hurting. Poor lil' ole me. I hate feeling sorry for myself but sometimes I just can't help it. I am hurting and I am a deep thinker. I ponder over things for hours. I am a true "obsessor". I can't tell if drama follows me or if I like the drama. I hate it once it is happening, that's for damn sure. So why all the bad decisions? I find myself hearing thoughts like, "You are just a really bad friend and you bring this upon yourself." I will always blame myself so much faster than anyone else could ever blame me. Sometimes I take the balme before there is even a problem and that results in an even bigger problem. I want to move away. I really feel like I'd be better off on a deserted island where I can't hurt people...or myself. The people I love so dearly have been so scared by me. They have either cut me out completley, they walk on MAJOR egg shells around me, or they haven't been around me enough for me to screw up and so they think I am totally awesome. Everyone loves me until they experience the daggar of pain that sheds blood all over the place. This daggar of mine is my tongue. To know this lack of self-control is in me, my breaks my heart. I want to make better decisions and be QUIET. I want to stop hurting my sisters, my husband, my mom, my dad and my friends. I can not run away like I've tried so often in the past. I am not at liberty to be selfish any longer because I have a precious baby boy now. I must stay grounded, get thicker skin, press on, and rejoice under all circumstances like the Father commands me to do. I must stop being a people- pleaser and breath in and out. I must learn to be calm and quiet in a group setting. I must practice loving others right where they are. The pain of all this and the stress of the holidays resulted in a 4 pound weight gain. I am 205 lbs today. I will try to love myself and speak kind words in my head. I must stop insulting Carter's mother and Mike's wife. I must show her some respect. It is time for me to embrace the pressures of the world and to stop dwelling on each tiny little bee sting that comes my way. I am pumped and ready to drop the next 20 pounds. With Spring (aka bathing suit season) around the corner the timing could not be more perfect!
Lord, please help me stay strong and reach this goal. To you be ALL the glory!