Am I getting to wrapped up in worldly things? Is wanting a smaller self going to affect my growth? I fear that in focusing so much on all this stuff I could be losing focus of the more important things. So before I go on, it is important for me to prioritize. JESUS first. I want to honor God with my body.
It is so hard to do this little balancing act called LIFE. I long for the day when I am singing praises for eternity and spending every second tear free, worry free, and fat free. I did not choose this weakness. I am not choosing to be obsessed with my body and what it can or can not do. I simply AM. I am very careful not to insult my creator. He designed me in His image and the exact way He wanted to. So I may fight my fleshly desires but ultimately I am grateful for how he made me. I am striving to grow and honor Him in all I do. I just wanted to clear this up.
It sure is easy, however to begin fantasizing about my new body underneath all this fat. I long for and look forward to being lighter.
I'm feeling a little bit forced right now. Writer's block anyone? Wait...am I depressed right now? I'm not sure what is going on in this head of mine. I am a little bit all over the place. I am longing to feel intimacy with God right now. I am also longing for Mike to be done with finals so I can have my husband back. BINGO. There we go. I just struck gold. That's it. I am ALONE.
I am feeling so alone right now that I have even distanced myself from my own feelings. How does one even do that? DISTRACTION. Turning on the T.V. is a great way to disconnect yourself from LIVING. That is what I have done. I didn't even know until I started writing. I was literally just trying to write something and make myself feel something and I just felt like I was floating around and now I am back on the ground. I am awake! So weird. OK, so now that I have joined reality...now what? Mike is studying. Carter is sleeping. What can I do? This is so hard. I need motivation. I need structure. I need something. I feel as if I am searching high and low but don't have the strength to really focus.
I need to make a plan.
Ok...my goal today is to get in the word and also spend some time praying and asking God for his provision for my life. What is it I am really looking for?? Next, I will go on a walk with Carter. I also would like to do my yoga dvd.
I'm so crazy sometimes! My best friend, Sarah Ott, is literally in the air on her way to see me and Carter and I are scheduled to pick her up at 11:34.
Today will be a great day. I am now awake and grounded. Even though I am totally all over the place, I am willing to step back and examine myself...choosing NOT to live on auto-pilot. I will live my life to the fullest whether that means liking what I see or not. It's not about me. It's about the bigger picture. I'm painted in there somewhere in the background I think.
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