LEGS

So in yesterday's blog I told you that I hold most my excess weight in my legs. I also promised a picture of these legs. I have been so ashamed of how big my legs are for years. They are so big and nothing ever fits. I always have to wear stretchy jeans or flowy skirts. Shorts are not in my vocabulary. My goal is to be able to be comfortable in what ever I wear. Years ago I was very into mountain biking and here are the shorts to prove it! I pulled them out this morning and they are skin tight!! BUT THEY FIT! Even though I wouldn't dare try to actually work out in these just yet, they did allow me to see the tone and definition being rebuilt in my quads, hams, and calves. I was very encouraged.

46 Pounds to Go...HOWEVER...

I woke up this morning feeling lighter. I put on my black sweat pants and they fell right off. I could hardly register my excitement because I was still half asleep. I stumbled to the bathroom...washed my face, brushed my teeth and then called Mike into the bedroom. I showed him my discovery and he stared for about a minute in shock. I could not stop smiling. I asked him to take a picture for my blog and here we are! He immediately got the tape measure and had me take HIS measurements! He is so encouraged now and I just love this domino effect. If you are reading this and want to jump on the weight loss train, it's not too late! I still have 46 pounds to lose! It always leaves my face, arms and waist first...but trust me, if you saw my legs, butt, and calves you would understand why I still have 46 pounds to go. I am not yet brave enough to show a picture of my legs but soon my dear friends, soon.

Also, I would like to dedicate this blog to my dear cousin/ big sis Katherine Inge Hinson. Her encouragement and love through my journey has helped so much. I thought of her while I wrote today's blog knowing how proud of me she would be. Thanks, Kat. I love you!

Goal Weight

This is me at my goal weight 5 years ago. I was 170 lbs here and a size 10. That may sound big, but for someone who is 5'9 that is pretty normal. I look forward to being here again soon! I am shooting for September. :)

College PJ's Fit Once Again!

Tonight I was feeling frisky and got out my old college pj's just to see if they fit. Low and behold, THEY FIT!!!

Bathing Suit Season!

YEEEEE-HAW YALL! I am officially out of my baggy black maternity bathing suit and back into my old white and red cute cherry tankini! We went to the beach yesterday and it felt so good walking in the sand holding both my boys hands. I have been living a pretty normal life when it comes to food lately. Moderation has basically been my thing. I have been allowing myself guilty pleasure bites here and there but have pretty much stayed strong. After 3 months of consistently losing weight I sort of needed a break. I have been maintaining, not losing, weight for about 2 weeks now but as of today I am ready to shift it back into high gear and go full speed ahead once again! I am ready to get this next 10 pounds off in the next 2-4 weeks. I am encouraged to be back in my old clothes and especially encouraged that my jeans are now loose!

Today:
Food journal: half a slice of whole grain bread with 1 tbsp peanut butter, coffee
Exercise: Walk/run/lunges with the Davidson crew at Municipal followed by playing in the park!

Slow and Steady

I decided I was sick of our normal walking route this morning so we loaded up the stroller and headed out to Mobile's Municipal Park. It was such a gorgeous day! We walked/jogged up and down and through and out of the trails, sidewalks, and bridges. As the sweat was poring down my back I glanced over the stroller and saw my angel fast asleep. Oh to be the passenger! What a life! No worries, no stress, no fear. Just the wind against his face and the sun on his bare toes. He trusts me. He knows I will protect him while he sleeps. To be born into this world with a clean slate...to get a do-over on the choices we've made. Deep breath...not even worth thinking about really. No regrets. Trusting God and His plan for me. I know that if I didn't struggle with my weight I sure as hell would have some other struggle driving me crazy. That is why it is so important to breath and take one step/bite at a time. Do not get overwhelmed when you fail. Do not listen to the voices telling you to give up. It is an everlasting adventure and I plan to work hard and enjoy my life at the same time. Lord, help me eat less and move more. Help me forgive myself and move forward. Thank you for who you are and all you have done for me. In all this I pray that you are glorified. In Jesus name,Amen.

Dazed and Confused

Am I getting to wrapped up in worldly things? Is wanting a smaller self going to affect my growth? I fear that in focusing so much on all this stuff I could be losing focus of the more important things. So before I go on, it is important for me to prioritize. JESUS first. I want to honor God with my body.

It is so hard to do this little balancing act called LIFE. I long for the day when I am singing praises for eternity and spending every second tear free, worry free, and fat free. I did not choose this weakness. I am not choosing to be obsessed with my body and what it can or can not do. I simply AM. I am very careful not to insult my creator. He designed me in His image and the exact way He wanted to. So I may fight my fleshly desires but ultimately I am grateful for how he made me. I am striving to grow and honor Him in all I do. I just wanted to clear this up.

It sure is easy, however to begin fantasizing about my new body underneath all this fat. I long for and look forward to being lighter.

I'm feeling a little bit forced right now. Writer's block anyone? Wait...am I depressed right now? I'm not sure what is going on in this head of mine. I am a little bit all over the place. I am longing to feel intimacy with God right now. I am also longing for Mike to be done with finals so I can have my husband back. BINGO. There we go. I just struck gold. That's it. I am ALONE.

I am feeling so alone right now that I have even distanced myself from my own feelings. How does one even do that? DISTRACTION. Turning on the T.V. is a great way to disconnect yourself from LIVING. That is what I have done. I didn't even know until I started writing. I was literally just trying to write something and make myself feel something and I just felt like I was floating around and now I am back on the ground. I am awake! So weird. OK, so now that I have joined reality...now what? Mike is studying. Carter is sleeping. What can I do? This is so hard. I need motivation. I need structure. I need something. I feel as if I am searching high and low but don't have the strength to really focus.

I need to make a plan.

Ok...my goal today is to get in the word and also spend some time praying and asking God for his provision for my life. What is it I am really looking for?? Next, I will go on a walk with Carter. I also would like to do my yoga dvd.

I'm so crazy sometimes! My best friend, Sarah Ott, is literally in the air on her way to see me and Carter and I are scheduled to pick her up at 11:34.

Today will be a great day. I am now awake and grounded. Even though I am totally all over the place, I am willing to step back and examine myself...choosing NOT to live on auto-pilot. I will live my life to the fullest whether that means liking what I see or not. It's not about me. It's about the bigger picture. I'm painted in there somewhere in the background I think.

Mathmatician

Every 30 days at boot camp we have a fit score. Yesterday we ran the mile and I am happy to announce that my time went from 12.38 to 10.28!! I shaved over 2 minutes off! Do you know what that means? I am getting stronger. I am getting lighter. I am breaking free from the chains. I am getting closer to my goal. Another HUGE announcement is that I pulled out an old pair old black pants that I have not worn in 2 years! I am down to a size 14. I am so happy. I am now 3 pounds away to where I was 2 years ago. Let me recap this for ya...Ok so I was 160 pounds in middle school. I was 180 pounds in high school. I got up to 205 pounds freshman year in college which was the all time high...so I thought. Senior year of college I was 165 pounds. This 165 pounds was the best I have ever looked and felt in my life. It is my goal to get there again. Continuing on...After graduating college I SLOWLY started gaining...I met Mike at 170. I married him at 190. I quickly went up to 213 during our first year of marriage. Two years into the marriage I was 234 when I got pregnant! The night I went into labor with Carter I was exactly 250lbs. So I only gained 16 pounds my entire pregnancy! What happened here was I actually worked out with a trainer and ate the healthiest I have ever eaten. I wanted a healthy baby and I was scared I would gain 60-80 pounds like some women I know...being so heavy already, this thought terrified me!! So I decided not to gain fat during my pregnancy. Six weeks after having Carter I was 232 pounds. I was 226 pounds when I started this blog. Today I weighed in at 216 pounds. I'm not sure what led me to go into all the numbers in today's blog but I did! Sometimes it's good to crunch the numbers! My next short term goal is to get to 205.

By seeing these numbers on this time line...I am now seeing that I'm not that much of a rollercoaster dieter as I thought I was. I am actually just a steady gainer who just so happend to reach my goal weight ONE time in my life. That ONE time in my life was destroyed by complete ignorance. Why did I think I could just do whatever I wanted now that I was at my goal weight? That is what I now know going into round two of getting to my goal. The key is that once I get there...THAT is when the TRUE test begins! THAT is when I must continue exercising, eating light, blogging, and just keeping my eyes OPEN to the fact that I must continue working just to keep it off! This time, I'm ready.

5 Pounds Gone, and I'm Back on Board!

Yay, the numbers have decreased but first I must share some deep thoughts of truth...

I am so rebellious. It is almost humorous in a way. It's like, the second I REALLY get on track and make some progress I get all mentally screwed up and suicide jump off the train! WHY? I could blame my little neck injury (which, by the way has completely healed) but I am so SICK AND TIRED of EXCUSES!! I need to STOP relying on these lame excuses and just MOVE FORWARD.

Turn on your imaginations right now for a mental picture of my feelings:
OK, so I was totally aboard the success train moving steadily forward. I had lost 9 pounds, I was emotionally in touch with myself, and I was going up, up, and away! Then, all of a sudden...I panicked. I opened the car door of the train, looked out both ways debating whether or not I should jump. The wind blowing in my face, I decided not to think and then.....SMASH!!!!!! I was on the ground. As I glanced up I saw the train getting further and further out of sight. I stood up, brushed the sand and grit off my body and took a deep breath. Why did I do it? Why did I jump off? Now what???


For the next few days I sat on the side of the tracks watching other trains go by...no energy to try and jump back on. I just sat there and watched. I played in the dirt and layed on my back thinking...wondering...who am I? What I am trying to accomplish? What's the point? What do I even want? Then the Reba Macintire song came on in my head, "Is there life out there?! So much she hasn't done!? Is there life beyond her big ole' size 16 jeans?!". Ok, I changed the words a little bit in that last line.

I began to wonder, why can't I allow myself to reach my goals? All I want is to be able to wear my size 8 Lucky brand name jeans with my cowboy boots, and a button down untucked plaid shirt with my hair in a bouncy pony tail comfortably playing around with my son and husband...not pulling up my pants to make my fat rolls less uncomfortable. Not adjusting my bra and wiping the sweat from my brow. Not pulling my shirt down and making sure everything is in place. I want to feel the wind blow whatever it wants, where ever it wants and not feel uncomfortable. I want to be free and live my life.

As I pondered these thoughts...a train slowly began to approach. I knew I HAD to get back on. I couldn't over-analyze anymore. I had to just pull myself back on and keep moving forward. Getting back on this morning I have found peace and excitement. It's not over. I am not quitting.

Lastly, I want to share that each month at boot camp we weigh in and do fitness tests. In the past 30 days I have lost 5 pounds. I was very proud of myself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I may fall sometimes but I will always find the strength to jump back up.

ALL ABOARD!!!