Winter Blues

Wow. I can not believe it has been 6 weeks since my last blog entry! And now for all my excuses: December was so jam packed with parties, cleaning, wrapping and hosting that I litterally have just now caught my breath. The real truth of the matter, if I'm going to really dig deep and not be in denile, is that I have been hurting. Poor lil' ole me. I hate feeling sorry for myself but sometimes I just can't help it. I am hurting and I am a deep thinker. I ponder over things for hours. I am a true "obsessor". I can't tell if drama follows me or if I like the drama. I hate it once it is happening, that's for damn sure. So why all the bad decisions? I find myself hearing thoughts like, "You are just a really bad friend and you bring this upon yourself." I will always blame myself so much faster than anyone else could ever blame me. Sometimes I take the balme before there is even a problem and that results in an even bigger problem. I want to move away. I really feel like I'd be better off on a deserted island where I can't hurt people...or myself. The people I love so dearly have been so scared by me. They have either cut me out completley, they walk on MAJOR egg shells around me, or they haven't been around me enough for me to screw up and so they think I am totally awesome. Everyone loves me until they experience the daggar of pain that sheds blood all over the place. This daggar of mine is my tongue. To know this lack of self-control is in me, my breaks my heart. I want to make better decisions and be QUIET. I want to stop hurting my sisters, my husband, my mom, my dad and my friends. I can not run away like I've tried so often in the past. I am not at liberty to be selfish any longer because I have a precious baby boy now. I must stay grounded, get thicker skin, press on, and rejoice under all circumstances like the Father commands me to do. I must stop being a people- pleaser and breath in and out. I must learn to be calm and quiet in a group setting. I must practice loving others right where they are. The pain of all this and the stress of the holidays resulted in a 4 pound weight gain. I am 205 lbs today. I will try to love myself and speak kind words in my head. I must stop insulting Carter's mother and Mike's wife. I must show her some respect. It is time for me to embrace the pressures of the world and to stop dwelling on each tiny little bee sting that comes my way. I am pumped and ready to drop the next 20 pounds. With Spring (aka bathing suit season) around the corner the timing could not be more perfect!
Lord, please help me stay strong and reach this goal. To you be ALL the glory!

A Normal Life

Pinch me. OK, I'm awake! Sorry I just fell asleep. Am I bored? I think I am. I am so use to getting ALL FIRED UP when it comes to a project...especially about my body. I have always failed in the past, taken some time to get over it, and then gotten back on the crazy train with a new crazy idea about how I was going to succeed and get skinny! Well...now I am 3 months down the road to success and it just doesn't feel very natural to be doing the same thing day in and day out. Mentally, I am way too calm. I have never been this calm and this normal. It is kind of freaking me out.

This whole "lifestyle" change really has worked. I don't need to live my life on a roller coaster any more. I am at a calm and steady pace now. I am happy and I am free from the chains that once held me down. Of course I'm good enough to live this life.

I am blessed. I am strong. I am confident.

Thank you Lord for my news eyes. I can finally see.

Pics at Size 8 in College...But I got there the wrong way. Read previous post!

FAREWELL SIZE 14 JEANS!!!

I have a pair of black jeans that are size 14 and I can only wear with a baggy shirt because they are so tight. I love them though because they are long and I feel skinny in them.

Just yesterday I had to retire these jeans!!! They are so big and baggy that I started to borrow one of Mike's belts when I cleverly thought to myself, "Why don't you pull out the next size down?!" Yes, I have jeans all the way down to a size 8. The smaller they get the cuter and more expensive they get because I would always buy hot jeans when I was at those hot sizes.

Back in the day when I was a 8/10 I was not there by doing it the right way. I was there by "forgetting to eat" and taking a spinning class 2 to THREE times a day! I would go out and drink Vodka/Waters with lime and then wake up for the 5 am Spinning class...go home and nap....head back for the Noon Spinning class...study for a while and eating a Tuna foot long sandwich followed by the 6 pm spinning class. After that I would shower and get all dolled up to go out where I would drink my Vodka and Water. THAT WAS NO WAY TO LIVE! I was an idiot college kid who thought I had to do something THIS drastic in order to be hot!

I would reward myself with strapless tops, skinny/expensive jeans, and hot stiletto heels. Now, I am only 2 sizes away from being that size, except I am getting there the RIGHT way!

I am jogging/walking 2-4 miles a day and eating small healthy meals every 2-3 hours. I am indulging about once a week and I am feeling balanced, healthy and happy.

I am wearing my size 12 jeans, size Large shirts, and I am down to a size DD bra. It kills me to think that I actually was a size G bra a year and a half ago. That is literally the size of a small watermelon. That is no way to live, my friends.

Here are my goals:
170 Pounds
Size 8/10
Bra Size 36 D
Shoe Size 9 (yes, my feet are shrinking too!)

Today I am 204. I have been here for about a month. My body will soon shift into fat burning mode again and hopefully drop 20 pounds no problem. That last 10 pounds is going to be tough, but the thing is...I'm in NO RUSH. This is a LIFESTYLE!!! NOT A RACE! This way of thinking will only contribute to the maintenance phase.

If you haven't already, please join me in living a happy and healthy life. It is a marathon, not a sprint!

Photo Op

In between my two friends Avery and Tripp, I had no idea that I looked this together as friend, Scott snapped the pic. We were at one of the most elegant parties of the year celebrating friends, Abby and Cliff and their soon to be marraige. I wanted to wear all black because I knew it would put me in the safety zone of a fashion malfunction. As we gathered in to take the picture I felt hands on my waist, not grabbing on as if I were too large to get a good grip...but a gentle, calm and easy placement of their hands lay upon my hips. AH!! I just felt like Daniel Steele for a second there.

Once I saw this picture I knew. I knew that this was happening. I was losing weight and I could now really see it in a picture. I am happy and I am feeling very fesitve!

Taking the Road Less Traveled

All week long I have known that come Friday afternoon, my husband would be packing up and leaving town for the boy's hunting trip. After a week of eating and exercising almost flawlessly, I took a deep breath and waved him off with Carter on my hip. A sense of accomplishment came over me as I stood in the doorway wearing my Kim Kardashian style black spandex yoga pants and top. I felt good and I knew I looked it too. He took one last look and gave a big smile.

Rewinding 2 hours earlier. Showered and recovered from my earlier 4 mile jog, I wanted to do something active again! I looked at my curly cued angle and said, "Wanna ride the bike?" He looked at me with pure joy and said "WANNA RIDE BIKE!!" We were heading out the door when I decided to grab my drivers license and a $20 bill from my wallet. In the blink of an eye, before I could even think about what I was doing, I had decided that Carter and I would ride up to Walgreen's and buy a bottle of red wine and some sugar free dark chocolate. My bike had a basket and this would be soooooooooooo cute of us to do! Right? Wrong. I was planning a surprise attack BINGE!!! And I really didn't even know it!

As I approached Walgreen's I quickly turned don't Conti Street and peddled as hard and fast as I could. I literally fled from temptation.

Sober and skinny, I am in bed and I am happy. I just had some relaxation tea combined with "Zen in your Den" 20 minute yoga and I Praise the Lord that I stayed strong tonight. The thing is...(and this is what separates me from a dieter and a true lifestyler) EVEN if I had gotten the wine and chocolate, YES my night would be a mess but I would not torture myself and make it worse. I would say FIDO. FORGET IT AND DRIVE ON!

Sweet dreams!

Picture Update!

ME AT 204 POUNDS.

34 more to go!