Back at square one

Why is it that when our house is messy we get depressed. There is so much clutter in the breakfast room. There are toys everywhere. Our bedroom has 2 baskets of clean laundry staring me in the face and chewing me out every time I go in there. I chose to leave the blinds drawn so that I don't have to deal with the shrieking cries each pair of clean underwear makes at me. "PUT ME AWAY!!!! Just do it! We are sick of being crammed in with all this crap!" Uhhhhhhhh, shut your mouth laundry and just be grateful that I at least had time to wash you.

My inter monologue is starting to freak me out but I just can't find the time or strength to get it done. The second I'm done washing dishes, making beds, straightening up the living room, and taking out the trash it all comes back again to torment me. I don't mind cleaning but it just never ends. I have started to become pretty good at just ignoring the crumbs on the ground and trying to find peace in the fact that at least my dishes are clean...But I can not fake it any longer. The clutter stresses me out so much that I retreat to my happy place in a nice big BINGE moment. Why oh why does standing there stuffing my face give me a false sense of peace?

I don't want to do this and I am having a hard time accepting that I constantly do this. Why is it we do the things we hate? I know it's in the bible that this is just a battle our flesh has against our Spirit...but I still want to think I can stop forever and never fight again. I want to be perfect. I want to stop being the failure that I am. I want to stop being an idiot and just do what I know I should do all the time.

I need to be telling myself that I can do this. I am not a failure. I am strong. But the truth is I just don't feel it right now. I am weak, ashamed, disgusted and hurt that I have failed once again. Simple things like having a messy house or hearing a screaming baby should not prevent me from losing weight. It is such a mental battle and I am feeling defeated. I pray that the Lord gives me the strength I need to be a better mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter and servant to Him. I want to do well during this short life and I fear I am headed in the wrong direction. I must gain control of my emotions and SLOW DOWN. This is me slowing down and facing the fact.

I have gained almost all my weight back. I have not worked out in 2 weeks. I have felt depressed and miserable about myself. I am now ready to get back up and start all over. I will not give up.